Bad Boy Daddy, by Chance Carter

bad boy daddy

Grade: D+ (A+)

Doing it at: 14%

Catnip: Motorcycles, Tattoos, Bad to the Bone, Hard and Unprotected, Intentional Pregnancy, #TeamAnal, Butt Stuff, Dual Narrative, Book Shame, Male Author, So Bad it’s Good, Red Hot Burning Shame, But It Was 99 Cents…

Shame Scale: Red Hot Burning Shame. Like this is essentially the epitome of a shame book. Look at that cover! Blue Steel! And the writing is over the top and unintentionally hilarious.

Fantasy Cast: Ian Somerhalder, Claire Holt

Book Description:

He wanted a baby. I needed a man.

Faith
The first time I saw Jackson, I hated his guts. He was everything I could never have. Pure, panty-wetting, manhood. And I was trapped in a loveless relationship with his worst enemy. I never would have dreamed he craved my womb so badly he was willing to do anything for it.

Jackson
My father’s death taught me a lot of things. Most importantly, I needed a child. I had to have a son before my enemies caught up with me. So when Faith came begging for protection, I knew exactly what I wanted. I yearned for her body. Lust raged through me like a wildfire. I longed to make her pregnant with my child. I gave her an offer she couldn’t refuse. A life for a life. My protection, in exchange for everything she had to offer. I’d die for her, but she would give me a son.

I took her womb. I never suspected she’d take my heart.


Cleone: Mary and I were still battling fierce The Play book hangovers this weekend, and looking for a new book to buddy read. She was at a boring party (at her own house) and I was lying in bed doing what I always do on Saturday nights (going to bed before 11 pm), when we decided to tackle Bad Boy Daddy. In no way do we regret this decision. This book is so bad that it looped right around and became good again.

Mary: We picked this one up awhile ago because it was 99 cents and had an A+ cover and title combo. It rivals Knocked Up By The Bad Boy in terms of level of cheese. But we hadn’t gotten around to it, and lately it feels like we’ve strayed from our roots, sticking to books from our tried and true authors and avoiding the occasional over-the-top cheap romance from someone we’ve never heard of before (Step Beast I promise I’ll get to you soon!). There have been a ton of new releases this fall we’ve been really excited about, and Cleone got a stupid new JOB so she doesn’t have as much time to waste on books that might not be all that great. But we had a book hangover, and we needed a palate cleanser, and fuck it, why not.

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Grey, by E.L. James

Grey

Grade: D-

Doing it at: 20%

Catnip: Panty Sniffing; Nipple Orgasm; Light Bondage; BDSM; Hate Read; WTF

Shame Scale: If you make it all the way through this book it’s because you really loved the first one and needed more, or you’re masochists like us. Either way: Red Hot Burning Shame

Fantasy Cast: We’re going to be safe and just go with Dornan and Dakota.

What do we taste like: Mint and tea and an orchard of mellow fruitfulness

Book Description:

See the world of Fifty Shades of Grey anew through the eyes of Christian Grey.

In Christian’s own words, and through his thoughts, reflections, and dreams, E L James offers a fresh perspective on the love story that has enthralled millions of readers around the world.

Christian Grey exercises control in all things; his world is neat, disciplined, and utterly empty—until the day that Anastasia Steele falls into his office, in a tangle of shapely limbs and tumbling brown hair. He tries to forget her, but instead is swept up in a storm of emotion he cannot comprehend and cannot resist. Unlike any woman he has known before, shy, unworldly Ana seems to see right through him—past the business prodigy and the penthouse lifestyle to Christian’s cold, wounded heart.  

Will being with Ana dispel the horrors of his childhood that haunt Christian every night? Or will his dark sexual desires, his compulsion to control, and the self-loathing that fills his soul drive this girl away and destroy the fragile hope she offers him?

This book is intended for mature audiences.

Disclaimer: We love romance, the trashier the better generally. We love formulaic plots and alpha heroes. We love accidental pregnancies and #teamanal threesomes. We are in no way book snobs: check out some of our top rated reviews. So if we say this book is capital B Bad, you should probably trust us.

Mary: Alright friends. We sucked it up and read this fucking horrible book for YOU, and as much as we’d like to never give it another thought, it’s time to put on our DJ’s (our Dom Jeans) and get this over with.

I confess that I read the original trilogy, and while the writing was terrible, I did actually enjoy the plot. #sorrynotsorry. There’s a stalker! Kidnapping! A Virgin! A helicopter crash and missing hero! Accidental Pregnancy! All the catnip. The story as a whole is dare I say it, kind of enjoyable? It’s tempered with some of the most WTF dialogue we’ve ever read, but I don’t think it’s fair to categorically write this series off. What I’m saying is that if you enjoyed the original Fifty Shades series, I’m not judging. I kind of did too.

And of course, C and I saw the movie. It was our very first Drinking at the Movies, the very first time we ruined a movie for an entire theatre, even before we had a blog. It’s how we fell in <3.

C: I made it through the first book, and a few chapters into the second one and then I just couldn’t finish. To me, the Fifty Shades trilogy, is the definition of Can’t Even. When we pre-ordered Grey, I thought that it would be ok. We could mock it, I could take one for the team. It surely wouldn’t drag endlessly and make me contemplate what exactly I was doing with my life. It wouldn’t make me yearn for Faulkner and consider writing hate mail to E.L. James, counting her piles of money on her full-sized bed made up with Shabby Chic sheets. But it did. It made all those things reality.

can't even

M: This book was a complete verbatim 576 page rehash of the original book – with ALL of the dialogue, ALL of the emails, ALL of the contracts. The only difference really is that instead of hearing about Anastasia’s stupid inner goddess doing gymnastics moves on the pommel horse, we get Christian Grey’s obnoxious inner monologue and notification every time his dick twitches.

And I’m sure I’m not alone in saying that having him clarify his inner thoughts was completely unnecessary. It’s not like anything he was feeling wasn’t completely obvious the first time around. E.L. James is probably a lovely woman, but subtlety is not one of her strengths. We were hoping we’d get some new insight to the series. I actually had just assumed that this would be Christian’s perspective for the whole trilogy. But Grey only covers the material in the first book – none of the fun action-y parts. Not even any butt stuff. I was hoping that in the time since her arrival on the writing scene, we’d see some improvement in James’s style at least. Tragically, not the case.

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M: I don’t think there’s a person alive who doesn’t already know this story from pop culture osmosis. Anastasia is a plucky, young virgin, who captures the eye of Seattle’s most eligible billionaire when she literally stumbles into his office for an interview for her college newspaper. Christian is pretty much instantly enamored with her; she bit her lip, his palm twitched, we all know the rest.

C: I thought we might get some interesting (what, it could happen) insights into Christian’s past and motivations and why exactly he’s fifty shades of fucked up. Instead it was mostly dream sequences in faked, twee little kid voice and his cock’s internal monologue:

My green car is fuzzy. Covered in gray fur and dirt. I want it back. But I can’t reach it. I can never reach it. My green car is lost. Lost. And I can never play with it again.

…..

The sweet appreciative noises echo through me– to the end of my cock.

M: This was the hardest book we’ve ever read. It dragged. I dreaded picking it back up and forcing myself to read a few more chapters. James is verbose and redundant, frequently repeating things in triplicate:

I run my nose from her ear to her shoulder and back again, inhaling her heavenly scent.

Fuck, she smells good.

You smell as divine as ever, Anastasia.”

I inhale her heavenly scent. She smells good. You smell good! We get it, she smells good. If we hadn’t absorbed the fact that Christian loves the way Anna smells of apples and autumn approximately each chapter, we sure fucking get it now. For the love of god please stop talking about her smell. The whole book is like though: Something happens. We hear his feelings. And then sometimes he repeats them out loud. It’s painful.

C: She also has the characters fondly remember things that happened in “happier times” meanwhile the entirety of the book takes place over a month. Thanks for the reminder E.L.,  but I think we remember the painstakingly boring thing we just read two chapters before.

M: There’s so much that’s cringe-worthy about this book. It’s easy to see why the movie was such a bomb, because there isn’t an actor alive who can deliver these lines:

“No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?” I ask.

She swallows. “Anal intercourse doesn’t exactly float my boat.”

“I’ll agree to the fisting, but I’d really like to claim your ass, Anastasia.”

C: There is nothing likable about Christian. He’s a smirking jerk who wants to fuck and beat Anastasia because she smells like apples and reminds him of happier times — that’s me giving him a motive. I just delved deeper into his psyche than the book ever does. You can all thank me. Seriously, these quotes:

“Are you gay Mr. Grey?” What the hell! I cannot believe she’d said that out loud! Ironically, the question even my own family will not ask. How dare she! I have a sudden urge to drag her out of her seat, bend her over my knee, spank her, and then fuck her over my desk with her hands tied behind her back. That would answer her ridiculous question.

Important lesson, gentlemen of the world, brutal fucking is the only way to prove to women that you aren’t gay. I hope E.L. has some sons.

I’ll fuck her in time. I’ll fuck her bound and with her smart mouth gagged.

What? Me? Make love? Oh, Grey, let’s disabuse her of this straightaway. “No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I fuck, hard.”

C: At least Mary and I went through this together and got to text through our frustrations

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C: Christian’s insane obsession with Ana’s eating somehow felt even more annoying from his point of view. We should have kept count how often this comes up. I’d go back and count but I love myself too much.

M: Right? We get it, he was starved as a kid and has weird food issues. Ugh, get over it already. Somehow this book managed to make me feel unsympathetic about an abused child, and that’s saying something.

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C: Pretty sure that Christian has the worst internal monologue of any person we’ve ever read. And we read Beautiful Disaster from Travis’ perspective. I read the online only leaked draft of Twilight from Edward’s perspective. We aren’t novice trash readers. We are experts and this was so so bad. SO SO.

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(wanna know something we do like? Orange is the New Black!)

M: A Baby for my Billionaire Stepbrother was better than this, and we’re pretty sure that was some creepy coded incest fetish shit.

C: At least the billionaire in that book didn’t have special jeans he wore just for spanking-sexy times

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C: The most shameful thing of all about reading this book? I had to look up a word. This horribly written book used a word I didn’t know and now I have to do penance by admitting this on the internet for all to know. (The word was louche)

M: hahahahahhaaaah #bookshame

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C: It’s all lowered expectations from here though. Other authors can thank E.L. for our gentler reviews of THEIR crappy books. And we never have to read what Mr. Grey is thinking again. Unless they release the whole trilogy from his perspective. I’ve just jinxed us, haven’t I? We’re fifty shades of fucked.

Click to purchase on Amazon:

A Pound of Flesh, by Sophie Jackson

A Pound of Flesh

Grade: B-

Doing it at: 58%

Catnip: Prisoner (Of Your Love); Ex-Con; Teacher-Student; Tattoos; Motorcycles; He’s Basically A Criminal; FanFic; Forbidden Romance; Red Hot Burning Shame; #FelonCrushFriday

Shame Scale: This would be low to medium shame, as it’s a pretty standard romance with lots of sex but a cover that could pass for nonfiction – except it’s TWILIGHT FANFICTION so I think we can safely go with Red Hot Burning Shame.

Fantasy Cast: Jay Ryan, Bryce Dallas Howard

What do we taste like: There were no words. “Perfection” seemed insanely inadequate

Book Description:

Orange Is the New Black meets Jennifer Probst’s New York Times bestselling Marriage to a Billionaire trilogy, featuring a strong-minded prison tutor who discovers that her sexy bad-boy student is far more than he appears to be.

Haunted by nightmares of her father’s street murder fifteen years ago, Kat Lane decides to face her fears and uphold his legacy of helping others by teaching inmates at a New York prison. There she meets arrogant Wesley Carter, who’s as handsome as he is dangerous, as mysterious as he is quick-witted, and with a reputation that ensures people will keep their distance.

As teacher and student, Kat and Carter are forced to leave their animosities at the door and learn that one should never judge a book by its cover. As Carter’s barriers begin to crumble, Kat realizes there’s much more to her angry student than she thought, leaving them to face a new, perilous obstacle: their undeniable attraction to one another.

When Carter is released and Kat continues to tutor him on the outside, the obstacles mount. Can they fight the odds to make their relationship work? Will Kat’s family and friends ever accept her being with someone of his background? And will Kat’s discovery of Carter’s role on the night her father died force them apart forever…or unite them?

So, I preordered this book on a whim. I had some money on a gift card that wasn’t tied to my regular budget so it basically felt like Monopoly money, and this book said fanfic. Fanfic books are total catnip for me – I read Anna Todd’s entire After series, and was at least 800 pages into it before Cleone informed me that it was motherfucking One Direction fanfiction. (You’re goddamn right I finished the series. It’s my greatest Shame of all.) This book? Is Twilight fan fiction. And that big orange 4.5 Million Online Reads! circle on the cover drew me in like the blue ribbon on a PBR can. Everyone else likes it right??? I am a marketing woman’s dream. Give something an obscure award, I’ll probably trust that I should buy it.

My initial problem with this book was that it’s about Carter, a surly prisoner and Kat, his tutor, and all the descriptions of Carter kept reinforcing my traitor brain’s assertion that Carter is the Hot Convict Jeremy Meeks, of the #FelonCrushFriday fame:

He was fine to look at with his buzz cut; wide, strong shoulders; two days’ worth of stubble; and long legs that stuck out from underneath the desk, but his attitude made him sharp around the edges. There was a dangerous aura around him that screamed No entry. She noted a lick of black ink poking out from the collar of his coveralls, curving up his neck.

His attitude made her want to rip the smug smile off his pretty face. And what a pretty face it was. The lashes that framed his baby blues were sickeningly long, lying on cheekbones that were sharp yet masculine. His mouth was plump in all the right places and puckered when he conjured up his smirk.

In other words, exactly like this:

meeks meme

I don’t know why by brain was so determined to ruin this book for me, but I worked really hard to get past it by looking at lots and lots of pictures of Jay Ryan, because the man can work a good scowl, and looks like he could play a pretty good prisoner.

jay ryan prisoner 2

The book itself is a semi-standard, highly emotional romance. Kat works at a prison teaching English Literature classes to inmates. She’s from a wealthy political family, and took the job as a way to do some good in the world (Her mom is less than trilled with her career choice). Carter is in jail for cocaine possession, and needs to take classes as part of his bid for parole. English Literature is the only class left that he has yet to be kicked out of, but he quickly remedies that on the second day of class by acting like an agro asshole and throwing a desk against the wall. Even though Carter has been nothing but obnoxious and stand-offish to Kat, she still feels that strange electric je ne sais quoi around him, and volunteers to tutor him one on one on her own time (for free, crazy girl), so he will have a shot at his parole.

Carter realizes that he has a traumatic childhood connection to Kat (I’m not going to spoil the secret, you’re going to have to read this one if you want to know, but it’s bananas). As their tutoring sessions progress, Kat finds herself becoming inappropriately attracted to Carter, and Carter is becoming obsessed as well. When he is eventually granted parole, they continue their tutoring sessions unchaperoned, and the romance between them grows even though Kat could lose her job and face legal charges for getting involved with Carter.

The sexual tension between the two is great – the forbidden romance aspect was really working for me. I love a book with an explosive home run, and this book did not disappoint. And Jackson strikes a good balance between plot and sex. There’s plenty of doing it in this one, without neglecting the story.

The story is pretty engaging, there are a lot of outside forces working against the couple – legal ramifications, family pressure, malicious villains, Carter’s old friends who are still involved in criminal activities. Because it was an impulse buy, I honestly thought that this book was going to be the first in a series and not a stand alone. So even up through the epilogue, I was all, “Wait for it, wait for it…” I was convinced that something was going to come back and muck things up for our couple like a horror movie villain who won’t die. So in a way, the ending was a total surprise for me since it was not actually a cliffhanger, and I fucking love it when a romance novel surprises me.

Overall, this was an enjoyable read, if a tad heavy and overwrought at times. I’ll definitely be picking up the next in the series, which features Carter’s friend Max.

Amazon

Marly’s Choice, by Lora Leigh

Marly's choice

Grade: C+

Doing it at: 59%

Catnip: Mysterious Stalker; Girl You’ll Be A Woman Soon; Horses; Cowboys; Sexual Healing; All in the Family; Threesomes; Foursomes; Sweatpants Boners; Butt Stuff; #TeamAnal; Red Hot Burning Shame

Shame Scale: Red Hot Burning Shame

Fantasy Cast: Matt Dillon; Christina Ricci; Josh Hartnett x 2

What do we taste like: A well of cream that flowed like honey from her body

Book Description:

Book 1 in the series Men of August

Marly’s love for Cade has spanned her teenage years, and survived strong and intact into womanhood. Her fantasies and daydreams have sustained her, but she’s no longer content with merely imagining the touch of his hands, the taste of his kiss. It’s time to seduce the tough, sexy cowboy.
She’s heard the rumors for years, the tales of his sexual preferences. She’s prepared herself to accept his desires. Prepared her body for his touch. But she wasn’t prepared for the choice to come…

Cade’s dark desires, his sexual excesses are based in the past. In a time when pain, shame, and blood stains his very soul. He carries a secret shared only with his brothers. A secret that has scarred the bond, the ability to be a brother or to accept the love of the men he was raised with. He knows the only way to prove his loyalty, his love for those brothers and Marly will be the key.

She has a choice. She can surrender to Cade’s needs, his soul deep desires, or she can walk away. A choice only Marly can make. A choice that will change her life forever.

Reader Advisory: These stories have graphic sexual language and scenes – no closed bedroom doors (or other rooms) here!

Sometimes, you read a book that’s so amazing – so well written – that you need to pause for a while and digest the words. It’s almost hard to pick up another book afterwards, so I like to follow up really great books with really great trash books. Silly plot, lot of sex, nothing deep – unless we’re discussing penetration. This book was not the good one, it was the follow up. And it was perfect.

After a really disappointing book that I thought was going to involve a threesome with twin brothers that ended up being more of a thriller with one guy impersonating his dead brother (and had absolutely no double penetration whatsoever), I was lamenting to Cleone about the absolute dearth of threesome books involving twin brothers. I feel like it’s important to note that this isn’t a real life fantasy, it just seemed like something we’d see more of in the Shame Book world. My girl came through for me with Doubled, by Charlotte Stein, which with a few more clicks led me to Marly’s Choice, the first book in the Men of August series: three books about three brothers (two of whom are twins) and the ladies they share, and a fourth which appears to be a Christmas special. (Of course it is.) And at $10.49 a pop, I was thrilled to learn that my beloved local library has all of them. Giggity giggity.

Also, check out the cheesy cover of the paperback version. It looks like three copies of some old Scott Speedman doppleganger photoshopped together. Love

Marly's choice 2

Marly has returned home to the ranch for the funeral of the patriarch of the family who took her in as a teenager. When Marly was a young teenager, her mother realized that her stepfather was intent on molesting her, so she dropped her off with some family friends and disappeared to “draw him off.” The three boys in the family, Cade, and twins Sam and Brock, raised her as protective uncles. Now that Marly is all grown up (as a woman of twenty lol), she has set her sights on Cade, and is determined to seduce him.

Cade has been secretly lusting after Marly since she turned 18, but not a day before that – we wouldn’t want to go anywhere taboo with this plot! But as much as he wants her, he is determined to deny his feelings because he has some deep dark secrets, and is convinced that Marly would be disgusted with him and disappear forever if she ever found out what a horny beast he was. Marly starts coming on to him pretty strong, prancing around in thong bikinis and such, and poor Cade hasn’t “tested the wet heat of a woman’s desire” since Marly came of age. They have a few hot moments with kisses and touches, but Cade shuts everything down, telling Marly that it’s wrong, and a relationship between them will never happen:

“I fucking raised you Marly. I didn’t raise you to fuck you.”

And the dialog in this one is spectacular. The book basically starts out with Marly having a sex dream about Cade, including dream analingus, and it just goes up from there. There’s a plot with a dangerous stalker, but somehow almost every page manages to come back to something sex related. The adjectives and metaphors in this book were really some of the best trash reading I’ve read in a long time. It’s just endless dew of her need, arousal weeping from her body, well of cream that flowed like honey from her body, etc. And Cade pretty much walks around with a constant boner:

His erection was like a snarling beast beneath his jeans, demanding release, demanding Marly.

A groan was wrenched from his chest at the thought of taking her. Perspiration dotted his brow, and his erection was a torturous demon pulsing between his thighs.

So guys, I just want to be really spoilery and talk about this book in detail. I don’t think it ruins this particular book at all, but your call. If you think you might read this and want to avoid spoilers, scroll directly down from one hot guy to the next.

Matt Dillon

Ok. So this book is heavy on the butt stuff. Cade is definitely #TeamAnal, which Marly heard about from her friends’ older sisters growing up. She’s still a virgin, because she has been saving herself for Cade, but she’s been “preparing” herself to take the P in the B in anticipation of this eventuality. While Cade and Marly are making out, he tries to shock her by fingering her butt, and he’s surprised to see that she’s nuts for it. Cade gets mad and demands to know who taught her to take his fingers so easily up her butt. (I’m not making this up. It’s pretty much my favorite part of the book) When she confesses that she has been using dildos and plugs to ready herself for him, because she’d heard rumors about his preference, his resolve breaks and they fool around, but he stops shy of taking her virginity. They’re interrupted by drama involving the stalker – Cad find out that her evil step father has been stalking her, taking pictures of her for years and stocking up with a scary personal armory. Cade decides not to tell Marly that someone is after her, and that the best way to protect her is by sleeping with her and making her his. It’s shaky reasoning at best, but we let these things go in this sort of book.

Cade is still worried about sleeping with Marly though, because he knows his desire will make him lose control, and he doesn’t want her to run away when she finds out about his “dark, pulsating monster of need that made his flesh harden and ache.” Cade is worried that being with him will be too much for her, riding her for hours at a time. And then there’s also the tiny detail of the whole sharing her with his brothers thing.

They don’t completely explain *why* exactly the brothers have to share women, and frankly, it doesn’t really matter. There was some kind of horrible sexual abuse that he and his brothers suffered when they were younger, and while they don’t go into details, Cade figured out the only way to save his brothers was to have foursomes with them, I guess.

He couldn’t do anything but try to protect them, and show them in the only way he knew how, just how much they meant to him. By sharing Marly. And it was what he wanted, what he needed. An extension of his love for her, and his love for his brothers.

Every time they share a woman, it’s their way of reaffirming their love for each other. Whatever dude. I’m here to read about butt stuff and threesomes, I don’t really care about the backstory.

Cade and Marly finally get around to having sex, and it’s everything you’d hope for in a good erotica book. Literally so much pleasure, she passes out cold:

His cock plunged inside her, tearing past her hymen, sinking furiously to the hilt as the words left her mouth. Marly couldn’t breath for the pleasure. Her inner muscles gripped his pulsing flesh, stretching impossibly to accept him, protesting the intrusion with a bite of pain that nearly had her climaxing on the spot.

Unfortunately, Marly later overhears Cade talking with a guy they hired to help catch her stepfather, the stalker. He says something that makes her think that the only reason he slept with her was to get her to sleep in his room and keep her under his thumb so he can watch her easily. This leads to our manufactured break-up. Marly is mad that he lied to her – about her stepfather being after her, but mostly about the reason he slept with her. She thought he had finally realized he loved her the way she loved him, and she’s devastated to realize that it was to protect her.

Fast forward a few dozen pages and she’s over it, and Cade lets her in on his secret: the rumors she heard growing up were true, and she’s going to have to sleep with his hot twin brothers if she ever wants a relationship with them. So she does, in a scene that starts out with dual sweatpants boners, and ends with her in a threesome with Cade and his brother Sam. Both of whom have been recently shot, I might add.

Afterwards, Cade is all, “Baby, I love you, you did great. But there’s one more thing I need from you before we can make it official: you need to sleep with this other woman we have hanging around here to prove your dedication to us.” I guess it’s to prepare Marly for when Sam and Brock eventually bring girlfriends home, and she’ll be expected to participate? Marly decides to have a backbone though, because when they set up an orgy in the living room for her and give her the ultimatimum of fucking a woman she doesn’t really know, or leaving forever, she marches in and is like, “fuck you, fuck you, you can stay,” and then she has a foursome with all three brothers.

They catch the killer, then set us up for the next book by having Brock threaten some man into divorcing his wife, the woman we can only assume is the feature of the next book.

Josh Hartnett

As a book, the writing was over the top, and the stalker plot fairly predictable, but I’m bumping it up to C+ territory because I had so much fun reading it. This book gave me my personal best hashtags and I highlighted more than I’ve ever highlighted before. We’ve read a lot of books, good and bad, and I always love when something can surprise me with new words and phrases. This one had the notable distinction of being the first book I’ve read that used the phrase “female channel,” to distinguish the lady bits from the back bits:

His hand smoothed over her rear, hard and warm, his fingers running slowly down the crack, pausing at the tight pucker lower, then dipping quickly into the heated, slick crease of her female channel.

Also – Marly insists on sleeping in Cade’s shirts, and at one point there’s a bit about her wearing his silk dress shirt. This is a prime example of one of our favorite shame book phenomenons: An author describing something that should be sexy, but in reality looks like some awful 90’s gay club wear. Silk shirts are not even a little bit attractive, and I loved the visual of a big dark haired cowboy in a silk shirt that this book gave me:

Silk dress shirt

Seriously people, get this book, read it out loud a parties. You’re welcome.

Amazon

Vincent, by Sarah Brianne

vincent

Grade: D

Doing it at: 64%

Catnip: Mafia; Best Friend’s Brother; Dual Narrative; Girl with a hard knock life; Alpha Hero; Sociopath; Everything’s up-to-date in Kansas City; Red Hot Burning Shame

Shame Scale: This is the definitive shame book. The protagonists are 18. The mafia in question is the Kansas City mafia. The writing is…not good. The cover model looks like a sociopath-spoiler alert he is. Being unable to put this one down gave me a lot of red-hot shame.

Fantasy Casting: Colton Haynes and AnnaSophia Robb

Book Description: Vincent knows the glamorous side of the Mafia, being born a soldier.

Lake lives on the opposite side of the tracks, born the daughter of a soldier.
The light and dark side of him are at constant war, but he is letting his darkness reign.
She is trying to find peace, and she will soon be far enough away to find it.
Discovering that his boss owns her, showed him how little he knew her.

Knowing all about him only makes her want to hate him.I’m a fu**ing made man. 

I’m just fu**ing trailer trash.

Vincent is banana pants guys. Both the character and the book itself. It’s part of the Made Men series, and mafia MEN made me think the main characters in this would be grown ups, instead our story opens with Vincent and Lake in high school, and we only get a few months past their 18th birthdays. But don’t worry! Just because our hero is only 18 doesn’t mean he hasn’t had a lot of sex. Oh no, he’s had sex with every girl in his school AND their moms. At Vincent and Lake’s high school graduation the girls and their moms cheer loudly and unashamedly for their teen sex god. Lake at least has the good sense to be embarrassed by this and flees. She doesn’t have much in the way of good sense besides that move though. Lets get into the plot.

Lake’s father is a low-level soldier in the mafia. In Kansas City, A soldier in the Kansas City Mafia. I couldn’t stop marveling at this fact, I made Mary listen to Everything’s Up-to-Date in Kansas City from the Oklahoma soundtrack, I Googled the median population of Kansas City, I literally laughed out loud. I digress, her dad is a not quite made man, her mom has married a rich man with a mean daughter and Lake hates spending weekends there because they mentally torture her and give her the modern-day Cinderella treatment. She has to sleep in the attic, clean the house from top to bottom, and can only eat the food that is leftover on her stepfather and stepsister’s plates. It’s the taunting of her stepsister that leads Lake and her best friend Adalynn to go dancing at a teen nightclub that appears to be a hook up spot. The girls are there, grinding and avoiding the attention of grabby handed teen boys, when Vincent spots them across the floor. At first he’s all “who is that hot piece of ass”, and then he’s all “that’s my stepsister and her best friend who I’ve never found sexually attractive before but now my dick will only be satisfied by her!”. Vincent and his fellow teen mobsters, Amo and Nero, drag the girls out of the club and beat the crap out of the guys that the girls came to the club with as well as the guys who were trying to grope them. These boys really like viciously attacking people, they’re all about blood splattering and bones crunching. Once Vincent gets Lake and Adalynn home, he finds birth control pills in Lake’s purse and freaks out again. See, girls in the mafia family aren’t allowed to date or have sex until they’re 18, and Vincent is now magically obsessed with Lake, none of this will stand for him so he kisses her. This plays out as these things usually do, he pushes her away, she can’t believe how amazing he is at kissing, no one does anything else for a few weeks, etc…

We pick back up just past the high school graduation, Lake’s dad has a gambling problem and he has gotten in over his head. Far enough over his head that he calls Lake and tells her to get her college fund out of the bank and flee town. Ms. Very Little Good Sense doesn’t flee town though, she takes her 20 grand and goes straight to the mob boss (OF KANSAS CITY) and tries to square up daddy’s debt. Unfortunately he owes more than 20 grand, fortunately (?) the bosses Consigliere is on hand to propose a solution Lake can pay off the debt by working as a cocktail waitress in the mafia’s high roller, super private casino. This is where I chime in and tell you that once upon a time I was a cocktail waitress and that hanging out serving drinks in skimpy outfits is not the same as being a stripper and is super lucrative, no shame in that game. But Lake doesn’t feel that way, she’s mortified and shy and not too happy when the pit boss forces her to see the on site waxer who takes every bit of hair off her body. Admittedly that part doesn’t sound that fun.

The other person who isn’t too happy about Lake’s new assignment? Vincent (duh), he’s been assigned to watch the floor of the casino and make sure no one touches the girls who are on the “no touch” list. At first he’s all “looking at 1/2 naked girls all day and getting paid? This one will give me a blow job in the woman’s room? Best Job Ever!” but then he’s all “Hey! Lake is one of these 1/2 naked girls and she just caught me with a trashy whore in the bathroom and other people are looking at her ass VINCENT SMASH”. Vincent takes it upon himself to pay off Lake’s daddy’s debt and demand she be let free from her obligations to walk around 1/2 naked in front of men that aren’t him. The catch is that Lake’s virginal innocence has caught the eye of a high roller who is in town for a month and the boss insists that Lake keep working at the casino until Mr. Rich and Smarmy leaves town. For the month that this is happening Vincent stays at Lake’s house, he pampers her, he cooks for her (all 18-year-old junior mobster sociopath sex god’s love to cook), and he doesn’t tell her that he has paid off her debt. You can imagine how that plays when it all comes out, and so much drama happens that I can’t really recap without this turning into 4000 words.

The writing in Vincent is not good, the author does that thing where she doesn’t use contractions in what Mary and I figure is a desperate bid to seem like a Serious Writer. The male characters and some of the females seem like actual sociopaths

“Maria giggled over her screams. “I really like it when they scream.”

The next loud scream that erupted from Ashley’s throat had Vincent almost in bliss. Me, too”

Descriptive writing isn’t her forte either, this is Lake describing Vincent’s apartment:

“It was warm yet cool, inviting yet structured, and contemporary yet Victorian, all while being dark with no light”

What does ANY of that mean???

I started laughing before this book even started, Vincent is the proud owner of the best chapter titles I have ever encountered http://bit.ly/1G29RL2 And yet, I couldn’t put this down, it was so bad and funny and I just read it top speed. This book is like that pint of ice cream you eat until your stomach hurts even though you’re barely even hungry; your stomach hurts but you’re #sorrynotsorry. Vincent gets a D for not being a good book, it just isn’t. I’m still probably going to read the sequel, because it looks like there might be a mob war coming, in Kansas City. That’s can’t miss shame reading.

Great Bear Inn: Bearback Lust of the Alpha, by Ursula Maya

Great Bear Inn

Grade: D (Probably should be a D-, but it made me guffaw)

Doing it at: 0%

Catnip: BBW; Werebears; Rope; Shifter Menage Erotic Romance; WTF; Free!

Shame scale: Red Hot Burning Shame. Obviously.

Fantasy casting: Some blonde plus-size model and a rugby team

Book Description:

Big, beautiful Hannah is innocent and alone in the mountains. Alone except for the uncommonly big men at Great Bear Inn. The men share a secret, and they are hungry to share Hannah. 

Hannah hasn’t had the kind of appreciation the big men of the mountain have to give her. 

They are the last of their line and Hannah is their only hope. But will she, can she take the heat of their rough and rising needs? 

WARNING: This story bursts with red-hot sex. Not advised to be read in public.

I subscribe to Bookbub emails because free books, and I’m constantly seeing links to BBW Shifter Menage books.  I guess this is a thing?  They’re almost always 99 cents, which is a fortune so I pass, but when I saw that “Great Bear Inn (Sassy BBW Alpha Werebear pack BDSM shifter menage erotic romance): Bearback Lust of the Alpha (Werebear Alpha BDSM Book 1)” was available for free, I thought why the fuck not?  I like to think that I subscribe to the Dan Savage perspective on kink: It’s not my kink, but it’s cool if it’s yours. Obviously, I knew that this was a fetish book going into it.  And I’ll try anything once (or thrice).

This was a novella length, so no big commitment.  Hanna struggles with her weight, her mom bullies her, yada yada yada.  She takes a trip up to the Great Bear Inn to photograph some nature, and upon checking in, the giant, bearded proprietors make it clear they want to get on with the banging, and the plot can fuck right off.  The shifter bits are very secondary to the plot, and felt like they were just shoved in there to make it fit the genre.  Even the sex was fairly formulaic, and entirely too one-on-one for a menage.  I had seriously high hopes for this book, because the cover was all “look, the catnip is all in the title!” All in all, the writing was god awful and they didn’t deliver on all the shit they promised.  I was eye rolling, lol’ing, and highlighting the crap out of all the text I wanted to send to Cleone.  Also, this may seem like I’m nitpicking, but there is a double space between each paragraph, like you normally see when there is a change of scene, and it kept making my brain think we were pausing and moving on to something else with every single new paragraph.

Without further ado, I’m just going to leave these excerpts here for you, because this book really should speak for itself:

Her voice shook, “What if somebody comes?” His voice was a soft growl, “Nobody will. Only you.” He raised his head and looked into her rolling eyes. “A few times, at least. Then me.”

His tongue. Her clit felt it’s wet strength.

When they came, they crested together. They both held each others’ hands so tight it was a wrestle and, as the beads stood out on his brow, he buried his head in her full enfolding breasts and he shouted as he blasted his fountain of love against the soft needing darkness deep within her.

His fountain of love, you guys.

Amazon

A Baby for My Billionaire Stepbrother, by Cassandra Zara

billionaire stepbrother

Grade: Maybe a D- (despite there being D)

Doing it at: 1%

Catnip: Protagonists who hate each other; Stepsiblings: Not Quite Incest; Billionaires; WTF; But it was 99 cents

Shame Scale: Red Hot Burning Shame. This book is badly written, badly plotted, and no amount of sex can help.That cover isn’t anything you’d want a parent or child or dentist to see either.

Fantasy Casting: My brain couldn’t even cast this one, just pick two people you hate and pop them in.

Book Description:

“I’ve been waiting to claim you for a long time…”

“Go take the bus, freshman.”

With one cruel phrase, James had shown me exactly what kind of person he was. Refusing to give me a ride home had shown the catty girls at my high school that I was fair game. It didn’t stop there. For Christmas, he gave me nothing more than an IOU. I had to listen to him making girls from our high school moan through our shared wall. Even though our parents were now married, I knew I’d never think of him as a brother.

I was right, but in the worst way. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop fantasizing about acts that society would consider forbidden.

Four years later, when I came home for Christmas, James was there as well. Only he wasn’t just a popular high school kid anymore. He was the billionaire CEO of his own company. And whatever feelings I had for him resurfaced immediately when I accidentally walked in on him when he was naked. He relished the opportunity to tease me just as he had when we lived together, and I fell for it every time.

Only, when I left the house to do something I might regret, he saved me. It was only then that I found out that he had not only been protecting me, but he had wanted me just as fiercely all along. And, even though that IOU from all those Christmases before said that he owed me a gift, I wanted to use it to give him a gift that would last a lifetime.

A baby.

This was a 99 cents purchase, we figured how bad could it be, which is a thought that never ends well. A Baby for My Billionaire Stepbrother introduced me to a whole subset of Kindle books I didn’t even know existed. I urge everyone to go over to Amazon and type in “hard and unprotected”. You’ll learn so much about human nature, and about girls who just want men to cum inside them and get them pregnant. For college student Allie not just any man hot and unprotected inside of her will do; the only man she wants to fill her with a baby is her billionaire stepbrother. James taunted Allie throughout high school and she lusted over him, all while hating him. There isn’t much in the way of back story here, and what is there is hard to follow and not particularly compelling. Allie is EXTREMELY unlikable, I found myself wishing this was a dual narrative and I could switch to James’ head because he seemed slightly less awful.

Allie has come home from school over Christmas break from college, and her stepbrother who has made himself a billionaire since the last time she saw him- is coming home as well. She’s become a “sophisticated” new woman at college and uses her new wiles to go trolling for D at a local bar where everyone from high school has congregated to get drunk and see who has gotten fat (AKA the best part of winter break). James saves her from getting date raped in a car, she yells at him for it, displays no emotional maturity, and does not get his hot cum inside her before they both part ways.

When Allie and her billionaire stepbrother finally get it on (hard and unprotected) in his swanky penthouse office, she KNOWS that he got her pregnant.

I sighed with ecstasy as I felt my stepbrother’s seed completely fill me. His life giving semen was already finding its way toward my fertile eggs

This books saving grace is that it is short, and that I was in a mood for hate reading when I picked it up, hate reading can be pretty pleasurable. It’s possible this is my top shame read of all time!

PS: I think this has a sequel