Catnip: Light Bondage; Spanking; #pantysniffing
Lip bites: 24
Last week E.L. James announced that Grey, the Fifty Shades sequel from Christian’s perspective is going to be released in June, for $10 goddamn American dollars (shortly afterwards, the price was dropped to $8). Even though the first three were terrible, and Cleone couldn’t even #hateread all the way through the second book, we are masochists and decided to preorder it. This is a Big Deal because we almost never spend more than $4 on books as a rule. We’re thrifty ladies. We shop sales and take advantage of our local library!
But since it was on our mind, we decided to re-watch Fifty Shades. We were very, very intoxicated the first time around (this was the movie where we christened our giant Movie Flask), and we thought it might be fun to pay attention enough this time to be able to review it. Also, the Paperback Purist has neither read nor watched any of this train wreck franchise, and we wanted to get her drunk and pop that cherry so to speak. And her husband, Mister Paperback Purist, hung out just to heckle us.
For snacks we recommend Snyder’s Cinnamon and Sugar Pretzel Poppers. They’re like if pretzels and churros had a baby.
What follows is not so much a plot recap, as much as a running commentary provided by sarcastic assholes. Please enjoy.
One minute in to the “film” we decided to pause and find a piece of paper to track lip bites on. It’s a big thing in the books, and they really worked it in the movie.
We get some nice shots of Jamie Dornan getting dressed, then he’s jogging, like in The Fall. (The Fall is really good! You should totally watch that if you’re looking for something that’s actually good) We almost wish that he was running so he could go stalk Dakota. He is a beautiful man. This is not a great movie, but it’s worth watching just to stare at his face for a few hours.
Dakota is also gorgeous. You can really see the Don Johnson in her.
Five minutes in, the lip biting is starting to get annoying.
Mr. PP: I like her mouth.
C: You’re going to be seeing a lot of it.
M: He looks better with scruff (Look at this goddam beautiful face:)
Anastasia shows up at Christian Grey’s office to do an interview for the school news paper as a favor for her best friend Kate. She’s mostly repeating the questions Kate gave her, but occasionally slipping in her own pensive musings.
M: She’s so insightful
C: She’s so smart
C: “We’ll never be finished. I’m going to be your first and your last.”
“Tom Hardy made me fall in love with literature.” See! She picked Hardy.
Afterwards, Anastasia leaves the building and has to stop in the rain to cool off. She’s so hot. Meeting Christian was just so moving.
Mr. PP: That actually happens, right? When you see a hot guy, you go out in the rain to cool off?
He stalks her after her graduation ceremony and poses for a photograph with her for the local paper.
M: He would never even bring a woman out in public before her. That’s how special she is. She changes him.
C: She IS special. Looking her eating that stupid chicken salad that no girl ever would be making at 10 o’clock at night. That girl is like chicken salad on dry bread. That’s her personality. Virginal Chicken salad. That’s why the bread is dry.
Mr PP: Jose has some pussy ass baby lips. And a stupid mustache.
Later, at the hardware store, Christian comes in to stalk Anastasia and buy some rope and light bondage supplies.
M: That plaid print she’s wearing is so mid 90’s B Moss. Don’t you guys remember B. Moss?
PP: This is the combination of all the bad movies and books we’ve ever read! The hardware store is just like The Boy Next Door.
M: That’s an awfully nice rope display for a hardware store. Great selection. Maybe they’re a nautical hardware store?
C: My next wedding theme is going to be Naughty and Nautical
M: His accent is so bad. Imagine him with an Irish accent trying to speak like an American.
PP: I don’t have to imagine it. It’s happening right now?
C: They couldn’t afford a dialect coach.
C: He doesn’t try to force feed her as much as he does in the book.
M: Seriously. I’m glad they cut that. It was so awful.
Mr. PP: I look down and they broke up already?
PP: They dated for half a cup of coffee!
M: MORE FIRST EDITION BOOKS!!!
C: At least you can get first editions of Tom Hardy books. Thomas Hardy. There’s only ONE edition of Tom Hardy 🙂
C: Look how she doesn’t even make friends in the bathroom line. That’s how you get friends. You complement each other’s shoes.
C: He has the same computer as you Mary! It’s like you’re in the movie!
M: Her drunk acting is just awful.
C: She’s never been drunk in real life because Don Johnson doesn’t approve. He’s straight edge. I’m just making this up. I don’t know if he’s straight edge or not… Ok Don Johnson isn’t straight edge.
C: WHICH BAR. WHY ARE YOU DRINKING.
M: Why does she have a flip phone???
Mr. PP: She works at a hardware store!
PP: See! Mr. PP’s paying attention.
C: Mr. PP is very pro Anastasia.
Christian shows up to drag Drunk Anastasia out of the bar and rescue her from a sloppy kiss from her best friend.
C: He’s very Edward Cullen.
C: That’s Christian’s brother. He’s going to “do the sex” with her friend.
M: No one faints in real life. Jesus Christ.
PP: I’ve never fainted in real life
Anastasia wakes up (mostly dressed) in a nice hotel room. There’s a bunch of pills and glasses on the night stand with a “Drink Me” note.
C: Eat me. drink me. This one makes you larger, this one makes you smaller. this one’s Viagra.
M: What’s in the glass? Metamucil?
Mr. PP: Yes. He wants her to be regular.
PP: Eating my breakfast out of my hand is not fucking sexy. Make note of that Mr. PP. It’s not a good way to seduce me.
PP: That dumb face she makes when he touches her is obnoxious.
C: It makes her orgasm! It’s like in books, when they’re like, “He looked at my vagina and I exploded”
Elevator kiss. Business men get on. He drops her off and Elliot is making out with Kate on the couch. We get our first “laters baby”
And then our second. Blergh.
M: Kate’s satin camisole nightie with a strapless bra under it is bugging me. We should be seeing her nipples.
Mr. PP: “What are we waiting for” this song is my jam! (Note: Song is Love Me Like You Do, which is also Mary & Cleone’s jam)
Christian takes Anastasia out on their second date. He’s flying her to Seattle, to go to his penthouse.
M: “Seattle? That’s where we’re going?” Where the fuck else would you be going? You’re in the middle of Twilight, Washington. There’s literally no other city around.
C: Maybe she thought she was going to San Francisco like in Pretty Woman. To go to the opera!
M: His apartment isn’t what I thought it would be. It looks like the Beetlejuice house after the family moves in and renovates. It’s modern but weird. That is a lovely dining room table tho.
(Everyone agrees with me because it DOES look like the Beetlejuice house. The bulky staircase really bothers me)
Christian lays everything out for her, tells her he wants her, but that he’s into the kinky stuff, and tells her that she’ll have to sign a contract. Then he takes her to his playroom, AKA the red room of pain.
PP: “Like your Xbox and stuff?” Oh my god. she’s 12.
M: It’s well organized. He’s definitely a tidy type A.
PP: This seems like a lot to take in on a second date. And one of those dates was only half a cup of coffee
He’s a dominant and wants her to willingly submit to him. to please him.
C: “What would I get out of this?” “Me. The biggest prize of all!” How did his ego get so big?
PP: I’ve met you 4 times and you want me to move in with you?
Christian explains that this is the only sort of relationship he can have. “It’s just the way I am” (dramatic arm). This is the point where Anastasia fesses up that she’s still got the big V.
C: That tiny little girl voice is more annoying when I’m sober.
PP: How does she make it through college without even messing around?
C: She was very focused on her English literature degree!
Mr. PP: She’s not a whore!
C: Mr. PP is VERY defensive of Anastasia…
Christian is shocked, but then he whisks her off to the bedroom to rid her of her hymen with proper romantic sex, not bondage sex. It changes him, you guys.
M: She’s just throwing it away here. Give it up, girl!
C: If she had done it when she was 17 like normal people, this wouldn’t be happening.
M: He’s just breathing on her. That’s all it takes to get off.
C: Anytime there’s a book where she actually needs clitoral stimulation, I’m like, hooray! 10 points to Gryffindor!
M: Aw look! He slept (actual sleeping) with her.
C: Only because it was her first time.
She gets up and decides to dance around in the kitchen and cook breakfast.
M: She obviously doesn’t have spidey sense bc he watches her dance for a full minute before she turns and sees him.
C: The tampon scene isn’t in this right?
M: No they took that out.
PP: What was the tampon scene?
C: He pulls her tampon out before they have sex. The women who are reading this were like 50 year old women and this was very shocking.
PP: That doesn’t seem that shocking to me.
C: Don’t act like you use tampons
He ties her up. Breathes on her rib cage.
M: She’s close! It’s the G spot. Not touching it. Just breathing on it.
They’re fooling around, then his mom shows up.
C: This could be all yours! He doesn’t date. His mom has literally NEVER seen him with a woman.
C: 15 women. That’s not that many really.
She gets saucy and they bicker. She demands to go home.
M: Ooooh our song! What’s this one called again?
C: Earned it. by The Weeknd. Elle and I just sit around at work listening to pop music.
M: We’re basic.
Mr. PP: Ooh, they’re like the new Bel Biv Divoe!
C: “Lets go for a walk in the woods and I’ll show you how I can climb trees.”
M: Is that the meadow? With the flowers????
C: It is! Oh no, it’s water. Well it’s supposed to be the meadow. He’s going to show her how he can climb trees like a spider monkey.
He’s never actually slept with anyone before in his life. She’s so special.
Kate smiles a lot and doesn’t ask about her big date. “You look different.” Anastasia says she feels different, and Kate is like “Of course you do.” Smiley face.
M: That was the most impersonal best friend losing your virginity conversation.
C: Right? When you lose your virginity your best friend is like, “Tell me everything. I brought you these snacks. How is your vagina?”
Anastasia decides to do her research and learn about BDSM relationships.
C: She just types submissive into a search engine. It’s not even google, it’s like Bing or something!
Mr. PP: Every day, PP and I have a new safe word. We like to change it up. Yesterday it was “Pork Pie Hat.”
M: It’s like Pee Wee’s Playhouse word of the day!
Mr. PP: One time I made it Rutherford B Hayes.
Queen B comes on. Jamie comes to her apartment. He just can’t wait. Ties her up with a belt. Blindfolds her with a shirt. She’s in ecstasy from the sensory deprivation. She’s about to come from ice on nipple stimulation.
M: That flip and spank was hot though.
C: See! Condom.
M: I can’t believe I paid $10 to buy the next book.
C: I hate wicker furniture. It’s the stupidest material to make furniture out of.
C: She’s not #TeamAnal
M: My favorite line: What are butt plugs? “They’re plugs for your butt, dumbass!”
Dornan’s accent is really, really bad when he’s telling her what he wants to do to her on the boardroom table. I don’t think there is anyone alive who can deliver these lines.
M: Oh! her dad is Cylon 2!
C: “Remember when I tied you up with this tie? And now I’m wearing it at your graduation. You’re a woman now.” How’s he supposed to concentrate when he knows she’s out there with her lip biting and her bush? He knows she’s naked under that gown.
There’s a spanking scene because Anastasia rolled her eyes.
M: She’s really into this light spanking. It was a gentle welcome to the world of BDSM at best.
C: This movie is really long.
M: We were REALLY drunk the first time we watched this.
C: “Mom. He makes me so happy. I like being spanked.” (crying)
M: Her apartment is really nice. Did they ever explain how they can afford such a nice place?
Mr. PP: I hate when pretty girls have cleft chins.
This is where we (We being Mary and Cleone, PP and Mr. PP were still focused, even NOT in the theater we annoy our fellow movie goers) stop paying attention and google pictures of Jamie Dornan with a beard, nude Jamie Dornan fan fic….
C: I feel like in the book Anastasia is a lot less eager about everything. Not just YOLO.
Oh now he’s braiding her hair.
M: Those jeans are terrible on him.
C: Whatever, they’re fine. I still really appreciate that she’s in the tiny titty club with me. It’s a sisterhood.
Mr. PP: Pussy ass baby tits!
PP: Whatever, I’m in the underwire, backache for life club.
Mr. PP: Nice butt crack.
C: That’s her belly button.
Mr. PP: Oh. That’s what happens when you have small boobs. You look the same from the front and the back
M: Like a palindrome.
There’s some #pantysniffing. We always approve of that move.
C: I really wish they’d let him have some type of beard
Mr. PP: Whatever. This sissy ass film. I wish they’d show more of the sex.
C: It’s not porn Mr. PP. It’s an ART FILM
M: He cares for her so tenderly afterwards
C: Aftercare is very important
We stopped paying attention for awhile. They dance, they go to dinner at his family’s house. She goes to Phoenix.
M: Was that DON JOHNSON?
C: There’s her awful flip phone again.
M: He looks really good when he’s in the dark like that.
C: Yeah, he always looks best when he seems just a touch homicidal.
Mr. PP: I don’t like his nose.
C: Now I can’t stop looking at his nose!
M: Stop ruining this for us!
C: I love her wardrobe in this, with the exception of that flannel at the beginning. She starts dressing really well when she starts dating Christian.
At this point Mary (our note taker) literally fell asleep and all witty commentary turned towards her narcolepsy and how maybe Mr. PP should wake her up with a tit punch.
Verdict? This movie is way better when you’re REALLY drunk and the best parts are when there’s no dialog.