Badass: A Stepbrother SEAL Romance, by Linda Barlow & Alana Albertson


Grade: D+

Doing it at: 11%

Catnip: One Night Stand; Alpha; Motorcycles; Stepsiblings: Not Quite Incest; Mexico; Road Trip; Not Really That Forbidden To Be Honest; Dual Narrative; Men in Uniform; But it was 99 cents

Shame Scale: The cover is maybe less shameful than the actual writing in this one.

Fantasy Cast: Jeremy Renner and Lindsay Lohan

What do we taste like: She tasted sweet and spicy, like cinnamon and chocolate

Book Description:

I f**ked a SEAL—the human kind, the kind who shoots terrorists, sports rock hard abs and tattooed biceps, and scores an easy lay with every girl he ever wants.

I should’ve known better. I should be studying harbor seals’ native habits, not conducting my own research into mating rituals of the Navy variety.

He’s a jackass. A bad boy. An arrogant, womanizing, patronizing, Harley-riding jerk.

A one-night stand. One night of the most incredible sex I’ve ever had. Shane is trained to kill with his bare hands in 300 different ways—and he knows 300 ways to f**k me, too.

Now my father is engaged to his mother. And we’re heading to Mexico for the wedding. He’s threatening to ruin their big day if I don’t surrender to his demands.

Quit is not in his vocabulary. I hate him, but I know he’ll never give up until he gets everything he wants.

Screw that! I won’t give up—I’ll never submit to America’s cockiest badass.

I had just read three books in a row that gave me serious feels (About Last Night, Beautiful Secret, and a joint Ugly Love reread with Mary) and I wanted something light and trashy and strictly fun. You might have noticed that the Shame Girls like Stepbrother romances and when this one popped up for 99 cents, I added it to the library with the message to Mary and Paperback Purist that we DESERVE this. Maybe my hopes were too high, but this book let me down.

Cassie is down on the beach, admiring sea lions in their natural habitats, because she’s a marine biology student (she has a brain, guys, don’t forget it) and admiring the cocky guy who is about to do a night dive on his lonesome. She sees a baby sea lion who appears to be in distress and after realizing he has a piece of plastic wrapped around his neck wades in to save him. Shane sees her messing around with the baby and notices that a very angry mama sea lion is headed towards her. He rushes in, throws her over his shoulder and spirits her to shore. We’ve switched to his perspective and he’s immediately in cave man speak over Cassie, he wants to plow her plump ass and watch her red hair spill around his dick while she sucks it. So, in a not at all douche move, he tells her that he won’t report her to the marine animal police or what have you as long as she fucks him. And Cassie agrees to this with very very little outrage because he’s hot and he told her to, I guess.

I’d seen marine animals go into a mating frenzy — sharks went nuts sometimes– violent fucking that left blood in the water. If he– what did he say his name was, Shane? — if Shane was a shark, then I was a goner, because I needed that fat, hard dick inside me in the worst way.

Shane and Cassie go back to his apartment and have a lot of sex. With a break between rounds two and three for a burger at the local dive bar. Cassie leaves before morning, and Shane goes off to the Middle East with his SEAL squad (I don’t know if squad is the right term, but go with it) for nine months.

Cassie had left him her number, hopefully, and is pissed that he never called. She wished she could forget him , but the sex was so hot that she can not get him out her head. And her dating life isn’t so hopping since she’s so busy in school learning about whales and coral reefs and such. But her Dad’s love life is on point and he asks her to come to fancy dinner with him, his new girlfriend, and her son who is just back from a tour in the Middle East. Cassie had no clue he was a SEAL and was pretty shocked when Shane shows up to dinner. With a shitty attitude towards their parents and some heavy innuendo towards her.

Why Shane has this giant chip on his shoulder and thinks that everyone looks down on him, I could not figure out. Are elite military servicemen considered to be bad guys? Do fathers really not want their daughters marrying the patriotic gents fighting for our country? This is ‘Murica! When Cassie’s dad and Shane’s mom announce they’re getting married in Baja it doesn’t go over well and Cassie tells Shane they can never have sex again because they’re going to be stepsiblings. Again, I do not get this line of thinking. They’re in their twenties, they weren’t raised together, this isn’t incestuous. But, whatever she’s striving to be unanimous in this, and he’s all “the only way I will play nice and go to this wedding is if we go together and you be my sex slave the whole way down.” And Cassie is all “SIGH. YOLO. PUT IT IN ME.”

The actual trip to Baja took some seriously unexpected turns. I was imagining it would just be lots of sex, tenderness turning into love, and their parents accepting that their kids had also found true love. Maybe even a double wedding on a Mexican beach for good measure. Way crazier stuff than that happened. There’s a lot of action and if stepsibling romances are your thing I don’t want to spoil it for you, because this may not be the best book ever but its trashy and fun with plenty of sex. And that might be just your bag, baby. However, I do want to share two amazing (non ruining) quotes out of this one:

If I ran out I could hold my breath for five minutes – a useful skill for stalking pirates. Also came in handy when eating pussy.

Swoon. Our Real American Hero.

I had an idea for a present for Cassie – my dick in a box.

And a Lonely Island fan! What’s not to like?