With Halloween right around the corner, we’re feeling festive, and daydreaming about our favorite guys from classic horror movies. Here are the guys we would be a-ok with giving it up to, right before we were murdered.
Bruce Campbell- Ash, Evil Dead
You’ve been crushing on Ash forever. He’s classically handsome, but with a rye sense of humor and when he invites you to spend a weekend at a romantic cabin in the woods you jump at the chance. The bed in the cabin is squeaky, and it smells kind of terrible in there, but Ash is such a gentle lover. You adore his strong hands. You listen in rapt attention as he reads from this weird book in the cabin. You die.
Our Instagram feeds are 70% hot guys. With tattoos and strong selfie game, here are the internet-famous boys filling our spank banks.
Tristan Cameron Harper
You don’t even like hockey, but you find yourself at the rink most mornings watching Tristan skate with his team. You bring him coffee, and hoot when he body checks someone. He could say anything to you in his Scottish brogue and you would smile, swoon, and say yes yes yes. Tristan uses beard oil that smells heavenly and makes you blush when you remember how that beard tickles between your legs. He wears a kilt to your wedding, and every one of your female relatives tries to find out what he’s wearing underneath. The answer is nothing.
This week is dedicated to the men who are aging well. The ones who are still getting us going, even though they’re getting up there. #GreyHairDontCare
You meet Idris at the office Christmas Party when you sneak away for a real drink at the hotel bar. He ignores all your clumsy attempts at flirting with the hint of a smile, but when you turn to leave he grabs your elbow and says “I thought you wanted to see my room.” In the morning you try to hand him your number, but he just kisses your neck, smacks your ass, and tells you room service is on him.
You meet Christian at the bar where you’re working to supplement your scholarship money. He comes in every night to get a little drunker than he should and he notices that you’re reading Nietzsche. Christian is very into Nietzsche and he offers you some private “philosophy lessons” at his apartment. You were expecting leather couches and handcuffs but he’s got a flowered davenport and everything smells like satsuma oranges. He’s gentle and respectful and tastes like scotch that you know costs $15 a glass. After that night you never see him again.
These are the guys who make us feel like cougars; the boys born after 1990 who we could have babysat, but who still get us hot. For all of our 30 something mom friends, this one’s for you.
Play this song, turn up your speakers, and scroll down for the Hump Day:
You met him when you signed up at the new gym down the street, you were running really slow on the treadmill while he was lifting weights and maintaining eye contact with himself in the mirror. When he takes you home you discover he has a wall of mirrors in front of his bed too. You play with his hair and only listen to 65% of what he says.
Ok, so some of these guys aren’t actually dads, but they have smoking hot DadBods, so we like to think of them as DILF’s, and Pre-D DILF’s.
Good for: Your peripherary friend’s ex husband who was a real dog to her, but seems to be turning it around and always shows up to soccer practice with extra snacks for the kids whose parents forgot
We have a serious thing for gingers. We don’t care if they have no souls and can’t properly go out in the sun, they just do it for us. Let’s hear it for the red headed dreamboats out there.
World’s hottest ginger. And we don’t have to imagine it, we’ve seen it. (NSFW)