Ugly Love, by Colleen Hoover

Ugly Love

Grade: A+

Doing it at: 36%

Catnip: Hot Pilot; Hot Neighbor; Sympathetic Ex; Deep Dark Secret; Just Benefits, No Friends; Emotional Unavailability; Multiple Timelines; Dual Narrative

Shame scale: Only the tiniest bit of shame, because it’s a romance and my dad would never read it. But It has writing, and plot, and will make you feel things!

Fantasy casting: Nick Bateman, duh (Originally I went with my old standby, Tom Hardy); Candice Accola

What do we taste like: “I hope you taste like orange juice again.” Dead, Miles has killed us dead.

Book Description:

“When Tate Collins meets airline pilot Miles Archer, she doesn’t think it’s love at first sight. They wouldn’t even go so far as to consider themselves friends. The only thing Tate and Miles have in common is an undeniable mutual attraction. Once their desires are out in the open, they realize they have the perfect set-up. He doesn’t want love, she doesn’t have time for love, so that just leaves the sex. Their arrangement could be surprisingly seamless, as long as Tate can stick to the only two rules Miles has for her.

Never ask about the past. 
Don’t expect a future.

They think they can handle it, but realize almost immediately they can’t handle it at all.

Hearts get infiltrated. 
Promises get broken. 
Rules get shattered.
Love gets ugly.”

In honor of the new teaser trailer for the upcoming Ugly Love movie, Cleone and I thought it was time to take advantage of our weekend of joint stomach plague recovery and go back and do a re-read of one of our most favorite romances of all time. First, let’s all take a minute and watch this a few dozen a few times:

That trailer has 300,000 views, and 250,000 of them our ours, approximately.

C: I’m reading in bed until it’s time to go. My kids needed enforced down time. I need Miles

M: You should watch that trailer again.

C: Like I fucking haven’t ten times.

Tate is a nursing student who has moved into her pilot brother’s apartment while she finishes school and gets a job, he lives in a swanky apartment building that is mainly inhabited by hot, single pilots. The night she arrives, Miles, his across the hall Hot Pilot neighbor friend, is passed out against the door she needs to get in to. Her brother asks her to let him sleep it off on the couch, so she drags him in the apartment. He ends up drunkenly and heartrendingly sobbing about someone named Rachel, and Tate girl-comforts him to sleep. In the morning, Miles comes into her room with no recollection of how he ended up on Corbin’s couch, why his hand hurts so bad, and who this surly girl is. Drunken crying Miles was kind of an improvement over this sober Miles who insinuates that Tate is acting like a bitch because they hooked up the night before. Tate is sleepy and not having it and tells Miles, hey maybe we can start over after I wake up and you pull your head out of your ass (I’m paraphrasing). So, Miles does, he reintroduces himself -without much warmth –  and Tate wishes that he wasn’t so cute or big or crushable.

You might be asking yourself who this Rachel is that stone-cold Miles was crying inconsolably over; here is our back story, presented in rotating chapters. Miles chapters are set six years before, and we meet him on the day he meets Rachel. A new girl at his high school who he meets his senior year and falls very quickly in love with. Only to discover that his dad is dating her mom (they moved from Phoenix so her mom could be with his dad) and that their relationship is now forbidden. Of course that doesn’t stop them, they’re young, they’re in love, and they feel invincible together. Plus WE all know that stepsibling romances are very de rigueur.

Miles and Tate don’t have a ton of intimate time together, with her being busy and him being out of town/ closed off emotionally like Whoa, until Corbin invites him to come home to Thanksgiving with them. On the car ride there, Miles wraps his hand around Tate’s foot and I can’t explain why this is crazy sexy but trust us that it IS. Tate thinks so too. Her crush on Miles is getting pretty out of hand. Also crazy hot? Miles and Tate making out in her childhood kitchen when she ventures downstairs for orange juice. Miles may not have had sex in six years (that’s right SIX, a bomb dropped during dinner when Corbin tells his family he thought Miles was gay. SIX YEARS) but the boy knows how to kiss. Miles doesn’t want to want her, because he never wants to fall in love or have a relationship again. Tate wants his body too much to care:

“Listen to me, Miles. You’re single. I’m single. You work way too much, and I’m focused on my career in an almost unhealthy way. Even if we wanted a relationship out of this, it would never work. Our lives wouldn’t fit one. We also aren’t really friends, so we don’t have to worry about our friendship being ruined. You want to have sex with me? I’ll totally let you. A lot.”

Girl, I feel you.

Miles tells her (paraphrasing) that he’ll bang her tons, as long as she follows the rules: “Don’t ask about my past, and never expect a future.” Tate is a smart girl, and realizes the folly in making a promise like that, but he’s broody and hot, so she lies, and is all, “Sure. Definitely won’t be a problem.”

I absolutely don’t like either of those rules. They both make me want to change my mind about this arrangement and run away, but instead, I’m nodding. I’m nodding because I’ll take what I can get. I’m not Tate when I’m near Miles. I’m liquid, and liquid doesn’t know how to be firm or stand up for itself.

They start bringing the plane into the hangar every time Miles is in town. Tons. It doesn’t take long for things to get murky, when Miles is out of town pilot-ing he never calls or texts Tate. It’s like she ceases to exist the second that he can’t see her. There is also no sleeping over, no talking about the future, nothing that could be coined a “date,” but feelings are happening regardless of Miles’ stupid rules. The closest they come to a date is when Miles asks Tate to come with him to pick out some home furnishings, and when they get back, Miles is all, “I just bought this new rug. I think we should fuck on it.”

Tate thinks about Miles all the time, when she imagines ending things it hurts too much to even contemplate. So, she amends the rules to add one of her own, telling Miles to just not give her hope. She can’t end things even when her brain is telling her to run before she falls any further. Even when her older brother catches the two of them together and get Miles to admit that he doesn’t even plan to fall in love with her. That he CAN’T. Tate is breaking our hearts six ways from Sunday.

I don’t tell him to go. I shake my head. “I can’t.”

I turn my face toward his just as he’s worked his way up to my mouth, then I grab his shirt and pull him to me, knowing exactly what I’m doing to myself. I know this time won’t end any prettier than the other times, but I still want it just as much. If not more.

The back story of Miles and Rachel and WHY Miles is such an emotional trainwreck unfurls slowly, and no one is saying that his reasoning isn’t sad. But oh do we disagree with Rachel’s actions and rage at her existence.

M: I hate stupid Rachel.

C: I hate her more than I hate villains in other books because we’re supposed to sympathize with her

M: Rachel is the worst. She is ruining my life.

I think what we loved about this book, is that Hoover writes characters that seem like real people, Tate isn’t some one dimensional bimbo and Miles is frustrating but he has layers, like an onion (or a parfait). It’s easy to picture yourself in the story. Like, when we read a ridiculous stepbrother romance, it’s fun, but the characters are just like puppets created to bang for 200 pages. These characters make you lose yourself in them, and you feel the emotions and agony they’re going through. And the will they won’t they RE: Miles admitting he loves Tate is so well done. And the sex is early, frequent, and hot, of course.

Also: Does anyone have a million dollars Cleone can borrow? We saw this incredible offer on the Ugly Love Movie Indigogo campaign, and we were all, “I’m just gonna go find a cash machine.” I mean, Nick Bateman. It’s not like we all haven’t stalked his Instagram locations map to pinpoint his Canadian apartment and tossed around the idea of a road trip like crazy stalkers, right? (Really though. You should probably turn off your location services, Nick.)


“$1000000 USD Nick Bateman’s Child Change Perk All of the above, plus Nick Bateman will father your child. Think we’re kidding? We’re not…. (Executive Producer credit included)”

C: Fuck.

Let’s put it on the work credit card.

M: $1,000,000 is pretty cheap, if you think about it

C: Do you think he would wear that captain’s hat?

Check it out on Amazon: