Drinking at the Movies: The Longest Ride

Welcome to the inaugural edition of Drinking at the Movies! We Shame Girls were ruining movies for people long before the idea of the blog germinated into our sex and whiskey soaked brains, but we are pumped that now we can do it “for business.” Three girls, two flasks, and one Nicholas Sparks movie on opening night, we give you: The Longest Ride

the longest yard

Cleone

Grade: C

Doing it at: 41%

C: To begin with I’m surprised we didn’t get kicked out of the theater and/or jumped by angry 20-year-old girls, who after the credits started rolling, sighed earnestly and whispered “life goals.”  Once our movie vat size sodas are properly spiked we kind of lose our inside voices and our decorum. But! We made it through the whole of this movie and lived to tell the tale.

M: Right. You really don’t want to sit by us. I almost felt bad for everyone else in the theater, but then again, they chose to go to a Nicholas Sparks movie on opening night, so really, they must have low expectations in life in general.  Those poor lovebirds in front of us though.

C: I kinda liked it, I might be in the minority here with that opinion.

M: It was not good.

C: Sophia and Luke meet cute at the bull riding…event? festival? contest?… that he is competing in and she’s attending with her sorority sisters. He flies off his bull and comes up hat-less and staring into her eyes, it’s an insta-connection, he gifts her his hat, and she tries to look cute when she puts it on. Luke is played by Scott Eastwood and he does not need to TRY to look cute. Mary and I both think Clint himself was kind of a fox when he was younger, but Eastwood the younger takes it to a new level. For comparison:

Scott Eastwood young clint eastwood

M: Meow. Scott Eastwood was the best thing about this movie. His lower teeth are kind of tiny and look like itty bitty baby teeth, but it was worth the 10 bucks to see his bottom. Also – I did some googling and supposedly he declined the nude tape for his nuts because it was more hassle than it’s worth, so now I can think back on those shower scenes and think about how Britt Robertson might have the best job in the entire universe.

C: He plays charming country boy well, and of the two leads he’s the stronger actor, Britt Robertson was not chosen for her acting prowess. I kept turning to PP and Mary and dramatically intoning “ACTING” (I’m a jerk when I’m a wee bit tipsy); the chemistry between them also isn’t that great. This is no The Notebook, I kept wanting an “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird moment,” but it was surely not coming. Since this is a Nicholas Sparks book and there’s always some twist or dual narrative we had Alan Alda aka Hawkeye playing an old man who intones the story of his great love to Sophia as she visits him in first the hospital and then the nursing facility he is living in– I’m going to let Mary take the pleasure of talking about how they meet Hawkeye, but it’s proper Sparks drama.

M: Luke and Sophie rescued him from his BURNING CAR THAT THEN EXPLODED. In the middle of a monsoon.

C: The chemistry between Jack Huston and Oona Chaplin (who didn’t get stabbed in this!) as the younger Ira and Ruth is way better than the leads. And Oona’s wardrobe of 1940’s haute couture is a dream. Seriously we all want all her dresses in our respective sizes– this movie did get a few things right.

M: Seriously. All her crop tops and bralettes? Adorable.

C: There’s drama because Sophia is all about art and wants to move to NYC (natch) and Luke is just a bull riding fourth generation rancher who wants to drive his pick up and be number one at bull riding IN THE WORLD after a gnarly injury the year before. Ira tells Sophia that love is about sacrifices. Except at the end of this movie no one sacrifices anything due to a tidy and not very realistic plot twist that I saw coming about twenty minutes before it happened. All the romance clichés are shoved into this one. And Sophia is an immigrant apparently? But from where I couldn’t figure out, Poland maybe? Maybe it gives more detail in the book but there’s never any flagrant sex in Sparks’ books and we just ain’t down for that nonsense anymore. So, clichéd, bad acting, improbable plot. Not great. HOWEVER: Scott Eastwood.

M: The sexing was minimal, and mostly implied with cutaways. They only gave us about 30 seconds of hot. The acting was terrible, and I wasn’t really feeling the chemistry between Luke and Sophie. Noah and Allie they are not. And the ending was just wrapped up in a contrived little paisley-print bow. I didn’t even feel like crying. Come on, Sparksy! C-, and that’s being generous because I had fun getting drunk.

C: I gave this is a solid C, the grade might drop if I watched it sober. The story doesn’t make much sense, but as I dramatically shouted from a bathroom stall after the movie “Love doesn’t make sense!” Wanna drink and watch movies with us yet?