Bang Gang, by Jade West


Grade: B

Doing it at:  14%

Catnip: Second Chance Romance; Just a Gigolo; Light Orgies; Bad Boys; Baby Mama Drama; M/F/M/M/M/M, Tent Sex, Small Town Romance, But It Was 99 Cents…

Shame Scale: I mean its a book called Bang Gang, you probably don’t want to read this one in paperback form basically anywhere.

Fantasy Cast:  All the boys from Magic Mike II & Rose Leslie

What do we taste like: Beer and blood

Book Description:

It’s one thing knowing your ex-boyfriend is a bit of a player, but it’s another thing altogether to find out he’s offering his services to anyone who’ll pay good money for them.

Not just himself, either. That would be far too regular for Darren Trent.

Darren Trent – my teenage sweetheart and father to my two young girls – is not just putting himself up for sale.. Oh no. Darren Trent offers his escort services alongside four of his mechanic friends – all of them at the same time.

Five hot, sweaty mechanics at your service.

They call themselves the Bang Gang… you can imagine.

In a village our size I should keep my head down and hope the scandal blows over before the girls or my poor old Nanna catch wind of it.

Only it’s not blowing over. Far from it. It seems every woman in the village wants themselves some mechanic action.

They make no qualms about it, either. Just rock on up to my café counter and ask how they can book themselves in for a Bang Gang special. Like I would know.

I definitely wouldn’t know. I hardly even know Darren Trent anymore. We split up a lifetime ago.

I definitely don’t think about him late at night. Don’t think about five mechanics and me as much as every other woman in this village.

And even if I did, I wouldn’t act on it. I wouldn’t draw the money from my savings account and have a go for myself.

And even if I did that, I definitely, definitely wouldn’t fall for him. Not again. Not after everything we went through. Not after splitting up the first time nearly brought me to my knees.

Not after settling into a decent routine, the girls and me, with no drama, no heartbreak, no crazy passions to rock the calm little boat we’re sailing on.

I mean, who would be stupid enough to risk all that over a hot, sweaty, oily bit of rough like Darren Trent?

Just look at that synopsis! A book about a single mom and a five-some of mechanics who perform gang bangs for pocket money? There was literally no way I could resist this one; it hit catnip I didn’t even know I had. I couldn’t even look at the title without giggling, and it made me really happy to explain to everyone what I was reading. Come on, BANG GANG. Genius.

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Act Like It, by Lucy Parker

act like it

Grade: B

Doing it at: 66%

Catnip: Fake it Till You Make It; Actors; The Theater; Love to Hate You; London; Lords and Ladies; 99 cent Books; Dual Narrative

Shame Scale: Very low, this one barely even has any dirty parts

Fantasy Cast:  Renee Olstead; Ramin Karimloo

Book Description:

This just in: romance takes center stage as West End theatre’s Richard Troy steps out with none other than castmate Elaine Graham

Richard Troy used to be the hottest actor in London, but the only thing firing up lately is his temper. We all love to love a bad boy, but Richard’s antics have made him Enemy Number One, breaking the hearts of fans across the city.

Have the tides turned? Has English rose Lainie Graham made him into a new man?

Sources say the mismatched pair has been spotted at multiple events, arm in arm and hip to hip. From fits of jealousy to longing looks and heated whispers, onlookers are stunned by this blooming romance.

Could the rumors be right? Could this unlikely romance be the real thing? Or are these gifted stage actors playing us all?

I’m a big fan of the fake relationship trope, both in books and in Hallmark movies. Everyone goes in knowing that the couple is going to fall in love for real and end up all happily ever after, but it’s still uniquely satisfying. Since I’ve been in a bit of a reading slump lately (lets blame this endless bleak grey winter that is CRUSHING MY VERY SOUL), I was desperately in need of the perfect, toothsome, candy floss book. Act Like It, fulfilled all my needs.

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Bad Boy Daddy, by Chance Carter

bad boy daddy

Grade: D+ (A+)

Doing it at: 14%

Catnip: Motorcycles, Tattoos, Bad to the Bone, Hard and Unprotected, Intentional Pregnancy, #TeamAnal, Butt Stuff, Dual Narrative, Book Shame, Male Author, So Bad it’s Good, Red Hot Burning Shame, But It Was 99 Cents…

Shame Scale: Red Hot Burning Shame. Like this is essentially the epitome of a shame book. Look at that cover! Blue Steel! And the writing is over the top and unintentionally hilarious.

Fantasy Cast: Ian Somerhalder, Claire Holt

Book Description:

He wanted a baby. I needed a man.

The first time I saw Jackson, I hated his guts. He was everything I could never have. Pure, panty-wetting, manhood. And I was trapped in a loveless relationship with his worst enemy. I never would have dreamed he craved my womb so badly he was willing to do anything for it.

My father’s death taught me a lot of things. Most importantly, I needed a child. I had to have a son before my enemies caught up with me. So when Faith came begging for protection, I knew exactly what I wanted. I yearned for her body. Lust raged through me like a wildfire. I longed to make her pregnant with my child. I gave her an offer she couldn’t refuse. A life for a life. My protection, in exchange for everything she had to offer. I’d die for her, but she would give me a son.

I took her womb. I never suspected she’d take my heart.

Cleone: Mary and I were still battling fierce The Play book hangovers this weekend, and looking for a new book to buddy read. She was at a boring party (at her own house) and I was lying in bed doing what I always do on Saturday nights (going to bed before 11 pm), when we decided to tackle Bad Boy Daddy. In no way do we regret this decision. This book is so bad that it looped right around and became good again.

Mary: We picked this one up awhile ago because it was 99 cents and had an A+ cover and title combo. It rivals Knocked Up By The Bad Boy in terms of level of cheese. But we hadn’t gotten around to it, and lately it feels like we’ve strayed from our roots, sticking to books from our tried and true authors and avoiding the occasional over-the-top cheap romance from someone we’ve never heard of before (Step Beast I promise I’ll get to you soon!). There have been a ton of new releases this fall we’ve been really excited about, and Cleone got a stupid new JOB so she doesn’t have as much time to waste on books that might not be all that great. But we had a book hangover, and we needed a palate cleanser, and fuck it, why not.

Bad boy daddy 1

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Slammer, by Tabatha Vargo


Grade: B-

Doing it at: 60%

Catnip: Prisoner (Of Your Love), He’s Basically a Criminal, Forbidden Romance, Prison Sex, Naughty Nurse, #FelonCrushFriday, But it was 99 cents…

Shame Scale: Low shame. Despite the cover , it’s not terribly racy and there’s some plot that will make your jaw drop.

Fantasy Cast: Jay Ryan, Bryce Dallas Howard

Book Description:

The last place Christopher Jacobs, aka X, thought he’d find himself was behind bars. Ten years later, the boy he used to be is gone. In his place is the shell of a man with murder under his belt. Any emotion he once had was left under the gavel when he was given life in prison. That is until the new nurse in the infirmary joins the block.
Putting your hands on a prison employee will get you the hole, but some things are worth their punishment, and something tells him Lyla will be worth more than he bargained for.

Lyla Evans isn’t sure about her new job at a maximum security prison, but showing uncertainty and weakness isn’t an option. Taking care of murders and rapist isn’t ideal, but survival is key. She’s warned ahead of time about a prisoner named X, but when she’s attacked, it’s the dangerous X that saves her. Fraternizing with the prisoners is forbidden, but sometimes the most forbidden things are the sweetest.

This one is on sale for 99 cents right now, you guys. The whole cover/title package was very reminiscent of a stepbrother novel, and if you’re a regular reader you’ll know that we consider ourselves the internet’s Preeminent Step Sibling Romance Review Blog (We can nickname ourselves, that does not make us nerds). This book does not actually have any characters who are related by marriage, but it does however feature a forbidden romance between a murderous prisoner and his nurse, and if that’s not worth a buck, I don’t know what is.

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Arrogant Bastard, by Winter Renshaw

Arrogant Bastard

Grade: B-*

Doing it at: 0%, but not with our couple till 64%

Catnip: Polygamy, Step Siblings: Not Quite Incest, But it was 99 cents…

Shame Scale: Medium shame for being a stepsibling, polygamist, teenage romance novel. (Medium shame lol – Mary)

Fantasy Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Colton Haynes

Book Description:

The last time my father beat me to a bloody pulp was the night he walked in on me banging my step-mother in his bed.

To be fair, she seduced me. And to be honest, I liked it. But to CPS, I was a victim.

They shipped me to Utah where my estranged mother lived with her husband and two sister-wives. And that’s when I met her. My innocent, wholesome, perfect step-sister. Well, one of many. But Waverly stood out because just like me, we’d been fighting a losing battle our entire lives.

Falling for her was a mistake, but shit, it’s not like I ever made good decisions.

Fuck being “family.” I must have Waverly Miller, and I won’t stop until she’s mine.

Mary: This book sounded so trashy. Stepmom banging, polygamy, and a step sibling romance. And it was 99 cents. We don’t even think twice when books like this pop up on our radar.

Cleone: We like to consider ourselves the pre-eminent step sibling romance blog on the internet. It’s pretty prestigious.

M: The premise of this book is pretty much exactly how the blurb describes it.

C: We open with Jensen literally INSIDE of his stepmother, a place he’s intimately familiar with. His dad comes home, catches them, and beats the crap out of Jensen. This is also nothing new.

M: Jensen has been hooking up with his (ex-stripper) stepmom since he turned 16, as a way for the two of them to get revenge on his abusive father. His dad is a pastor, and basically he’s above the law as the town hero/word of god. But this time his dad goes way too far, and the neighbors call the cops about all the screaming. Social services steps in, and Jensen gets shipped off to his estranged mother who he hasn’t seen in seven years. That’s not uncomfortable at all.

C: Since Jensen saw her last, his mom has remarried, and gained two sister wives as well. They live in Utah in a compound that’s very Big Love-esque.

M: He’s got a bunch of new siblings, some of them blood related, most of them not. There’s too many for me to remember/care about. The noteworthy one is Waverly. She’s gorgeous with curves for days, all hidden under her modest mormon clothes.

C: Waverly is the same age as Jensen, and has been asked to show him around school, and teach him the ropes around the household. On the inside sweet, innocent Waverly is itching for freedom. Even though externally she is docile and quiet. She’s “keeping sweet” which essentially means listening to everything her father tells her and taking his word as law. We liked Waverly though, we could tell she was our type of girl.

I pulled out the old Harlequin novel stashed between my mattress and box springs and flipped to page one-seventy-six, reading the steamiest scene in the book and pretending it was us.

Arrogant 3

M: I’m not saying that we bookmark steamy scenes that we like to return to from time to time, but I’m not not saying that either.

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Remem-bear Me, by Terry Bolryder

Remem-bear me

Grade: C-

Doing it at: 39% – but it’s an 89 page novella, so that works out to P in the V at roughly page 35.

Catnip: Amnesia; Second Chance Love; Hot Granddad; BBW; Shifters; But it was 99 cents…

Shame Scale: You decide how you feel about reading books about mature polar bear shifters.

Fantasy Cast: Robert Redford; Kathy Bates

Book Description:

The papa bear finally gets his mate…

Sam Weston is tired of his son’s clumsy attempts to set him up. They clearly didn’t inherit his talent for matchmaking, and besides, he’s still in love with his fated mate who has been gone for twenty years. But when his sons make an ad to promote their island resort and show off their sexy dad, it somehow draws in the one woman he still wants. Sam thinks he’s dreaming, until he realizes the love of his life has no memory of their lives together.

Joanne Weston knows from the moment she sees Sam that she made the right decision to come to the Caymans after seeing that cheesy ad. For twenty years, she’s been been trying to figure out who she is and recover the memory loss she sustained after a terrible accident. The moment she looks into Sam’s gorgeous blue eyes, she knows there’s something between them that transcends everything. She just needs him to help her remember.

Sparks quickly fly between the two reunited lovers, and Sam is overjoyed to have his mate back in his arms. But as memories from the past creep ever-closer, Sam and Joanne will be presented with the most difficult decision they have ever made. Remain happy but ignorant about the reasons they were separated, or face the truth, no matter how painful it may be?

I read this after Grey. There was really nowhere to go but up from that turd of a book. We picked this one up for the family library a few months back because it was only 99 cents and the punny title made us LOL. This was a short book, 89 pages, and while it wasn’t very good, I can’t bring myself to say anything bad about it because it was like reading Dickens after our last torturous read.

The Westons are a family of polar bear shifters who own a resort on a tropical island. This is the last book in the series (all of the sons are happily mated – that’s what they call it), featuring Sam, the patriarch of the family – a smoking hot grandpa. His sons have been trying to fix him up, but Sam is still pining over his wife who walked out on their family 20 years ago, leaving him to raise three rowdy polar bear-boys by himself.

One day, while Sam is babysitting the grandcubs, his wife Joanne shows up at his door, asking who he is. She has amnesia, of-fucking-course, and seeing him on an ad for the resort triggered memories for her. It’s a short book, and I’m just going to go ahead and give you the whole plot. If you want to remain unspoiled, scroll down from one hot grandpa and don’t stop till you hit the next.

Sexy old guy 4

Ok. So twenty years ago, Joanne was “fighting with the bear inside her,” who just wanted to be free, man. Before she met Sam, she was feral. I’m not joking. That’s how they describe her – she was a wild animal living free in the woods. She saw Sam in his hot bear body and they fell in love. They had three cubs together, but Joanne could always feel the bear inside her, fighting to get out so it could like, run away and eat wild salmon, or maybe just fuck other bears. I don’t even know.

So way back when, Jo and Sam got in a huge fight about her always wanting to run away, and then she ran away. And then she was SHOT, by poachers. When she woke up in the hospital, she had amnesia. Couldn’t remember her family, and couldn’t remember that she was a goddamn polar bear. I guess she was able to just suppress the supernatural side of her for twenty years give or take. Sam has been thinking that his wife abandoned them, when in reality, she was on her way back to them, finally ready to stop running when she was shot. (She doesn’t remember any of this yet though)

Joanne hasn’t had a clue about her life for twenty years, but seeing Sam triggered feelings in her. He awakened her long dormant sexual side. Seriously tho. Neither of them has had sex for twenty years. I feel like that’s the most unbelievable part of this book and not the fact that everyone is half polar bear.

When Sam tries to talk to Jo about shifter related things, she blacks out – so they decide to just picnic on his yacht and fuck like animals (see what I did there?), in case telling her the truth triggers memories that make her run again.

But he needed to help her come back to full-blooded life. He needed to help her remember her bear. Even if her bear tore her away from him.

Unfortunately, before they can have their revelatory talk, Jo sees her granddaughter shift into a polar bear cub, and all of her memories come rushing back to her. She’s so overwhelmed, and consumed with guilt for running away from her family all those years ago, that she shifts into her bear and takes off running through the woods. On a tropical island. As a polar bear. Sam eventually catches her and carries her back, and presumably they get over their issues and live happily ever after.

sexy old guy 5

Since this was a BBW book, there was all kinds of talk about curves – and lots of food talk. Sam was all about feeding Jo and hey, maybe we don’t need to stereotype like this? Skinny girls like to eat too, you know. And I loved this part where Sam makes her a plate of foods that pretty much everyone in the world loves – danishes, please – and she’s like, omg, look at all these foods – I somehow know that I like them, but I don’t know how I know that. Even though she’s been eating for 20 years and one would think she’d have an idea about the kinds of foods she preferred. It was fruit, not like, orca blubber or something exotic and arctic like that.

He opened the cooler and pulled out platters of fresh fruit and pastries and bottles of juice.

He made her a plate piled with strawberries, blueberries, fresh whipping cream, and several danishes in various flavors.

“I don’t know why I know this, but I love all this stuff,” she said, sitting back happily to dig in.

“I know,” he said.

She looked up at him in shock. She kept forgetting he knew more about her than she did.

The mating was not terribly thrilling. Lots of missionary, nothing memorable. Am I the only person who read this book and was hoping for some animalistic rear entry bear-style? Maybe just a little biting? I saw these grizzly bears doing it at the zoo in Minnesota once and it was fierce.

Overall, it was a quick read that helped me cleanse my palate after The Book We Won’t Talk About Again. It took itself a little too seriously for my tastes – I would have appreciated some humor in a book about a sexy grandfather who turns into a polar bear, but it was only two hours out of my life and now I can say I read the book with the second best title in our Family Library. The book title has a pun it in for fucksake. Give us at least a tiny bit of camp. Also, even though I like to think that I’ve read a little bit of everything, this book made me realize I had never actually read grandpa erotica. It popped my old man cherry.

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Stripped Bare, by Tabatha Vargo & Melissa Andrea

stripped bare

Grade: C

Doing it at: 80%

Catnip: First Love; Virgin; Dual Narratives; High School Confidential; But it was 99 Cents

Shame Scale: This book starts out wonderfully dirty and then doesn’t deliver, low shame but high annoyance.

Fantasy Cast: High School Blaine & Chelsey: Dylan McKay and Brenda Walsh (Because I can)

Book Description:

Blaine Wesley
If you love something… leave it. Because in the end, love tears you down.
Those were my exact thoughts the day I walked away from the only girl I ever loved. The boy I used to be is long gone, and now I’m the Jack Hammer. Exotic dancer extraordinaire. The teaser and the pleaser. The paid for penis for play.
I have to be these things to survive. It’s who I became when I lost her. But now she’s back, and I can’t decide who I want to be more. The Jack Hammer or Blaine Wesley. All I know is she’s foreplay at its finest, and it’s my job to get them wet and ready.

Chelsey Ford
Liar. That’s what I called him when he walked out of my life. He left me when I needed him the most, and I’ll never be the same. Losing your first love will turn you into someone bitter. Hateful. Angry. But now he’s back, and he’s determined to torture me. The only problem is, I’m enjoying his form of torture too much. And the hatred for him that holds me together is slowly starting to dissolve.

Stripped Bare opened up better than almost any trashy book has ever opened. Page one had a cock in our heroine’s face and an explanation of penis vs. cock.

He had a cock – a thing of beauty – standing tall with the confidence that any woman who took a ride would be more than thrilled with the results. He had a cock that throbbed with want and arousal – ready to explode like a fountain of pleasure.

I was so excited, guys, I sent a picture of the highlighted text to Mary and Paperback Purist and settled in to devour this book.

Chelsey has just run into her first love for what must be the first time in years, at a strip club, where he is grinding his dick in her face. Sorry, his cock. Chelsey looks up at the strippers face for the first time (who cares about faces amiright) at the same time that Blaine realizes that the girl he’s grinding on is Chelsey. Their eyes meet, and the next chapter we flashback to high school, to Blaine and Chelsey meeting cute their senior year of school. Chelsey is a good girl, she has her nose to the grindstone, and barely looks up to notice anything that isn’t going to help with her ultimate goal of attending Columbia. Which is why she has never noticed Blaine before, despite him being drooled over by most of the girls in school. And him having slept with a good number of them. This book is dual perspective and we get some high school senior narrative RE: how many girls Blaine’s been with. I’m old now and this teenage bravado gave me a little LOLOL, this is why I strive not to pick books set in high school.

I was ok with this being a flashback though, when you have an old loves meet again story you expect to get some back story on their first time around. Blaine plays the hero for Chelsey, fixing her book bag, but then makes her late to class for the first time ever by flirting with her. He gives her first kiss (and she slaps him), he acts disinterested even though he’s very very interested. Blaine has never had a girl like Chelsey for himself, girls sleep with him for sex – those crazy sex starved teenage girls! – or to piss off their parents. Blaine isn’t a bad guy, he loves his family, he works in his dad’s auto repair shop, and he gets just good enough grades to graduate because he doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. There’s cute banter, there’s up and down will they or won’t they drama. It was all fine for a back story flashback.

When we started chugging towards 50% and we were STILL in high school I got a little worried, how much flashback were we getting here? I mean, look at that synopsis, it says nothing about the heroine inching towards her 18th birthday so we can finally get with the doing it. I felt betrayed and misled.

Mary and I had agreed that we would each read our respective books until we got to the sheet dancing. We like to read books together, nudge each other along to stay on schedule, and offer commentary even on the books we aren’t reading. We’re book bae. So, I wanted to keep my agreement. But I was also really tired, and there was a podcast on farming hippos for meat in the early 1900′s that I wanted to listen to. My C rating might reflect this personal vexation.

Really, the book is fine, the couple is cute. There’s plenty of drama, it isn’t a D- because of no dick. The book ends before we get to current day Blaine and Chelsey, if you want to know what happens you need to read part two, which I probably will. In a month or two when I’m done being salty about being tricked into a high school romance and not nearly enough cock talk.

Additionally: points deducted for Chelsey’s lip biting driving Blaine crazy. In a post-Fifty world, this is an unforgivable cliche.