Fifty Shades Darker

 

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Grade: F

Doing it at:  no early and often doing it can save this book. The sex scenes were so repetitive that I was high speed skimming through, just trying to find the end of this.

Catnip: BDSM; Hate Read; Controlling Sociopath; Bad Writing; Dom Jeans; Stalkers; Abusive Relationship; Fan Fiction

Shame Scale: Red hot burning shame, this is the most shameful thing a romance reader can be caught reading, because this crap is what everyone derivitively thinks we are reading

Fantasy Cast:  Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan

Book Description:

Daunted by the singular tastes and dark secrets of the beautiful, tormented young entrepreneur Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele has broken off their relationship to start a new career with a Seattle publishing house.

But desire for Christian still dominates her every waking thought, and when he proposes a new arrangement, Anastasia cannot resist. They rekindle their searing sensual affair, and Anastasia learns more about the harrowing past of her damaged, driven and demanding Fifty Shades.

While Christian wrestles with his inner demons, Anastasia must confront the anger and envy of the women who came before her, and make the most important decision of her life.


I know that I am like six years late to this garbage heap of a book. I started reading it way back when the Fifty Shades craze was just sweeping the country (complete with sex toy product tie ins!), but it was just so badly written that I couldn’t finish it and moved on to actual GOOD romance. Flash foward to January 2017, the Fifty Shades Darker movie is set for a Valentine’s Day release, and Mary and I are planning another installment of Drunk at the Movies! Somehow Mary decided that she didn’t want to be the only one who had read this horrible thing, and told me if I didn’t read it, I couldn’t accompany her to the movie. And I love movies with my bae. So here we are, guys. Here. We. Are.

We all know the story right? Anastasia –dumb virgin — meets Christian — guy who doesn’t make love but rather fucks hard. Christian takes her virginity, buys her a bunch of expensive clothes (because he is a billionaire, natch), makes her sign an NDA, and teaches her about spanking and ben wa balls, and his playroom — which is not in fact where he keeps his xbox. Eventually she decides that she isn’t so keen on being emotionally controlled, physically hurt, and harassed to eat every fucking fourth page; so Ana and her inner goddess nope the fuck out. Yay Ana! Good for you girl! THE END.

Except no, because there’s two more books and that is where Fifty Shades Darker picks up. Firstly, these books are not well written. I can read and enjoy almost any completely banana pants plot if there are good writing and likable characters involved.  Sadly, neither was present in Fifty Shades Darker. Since FSD is OVER FIVE HUNDRED PAGES, Mary was subjected to several days of my whining via text about reading this shit stain.

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The entire first two books take place over about a six week period, every single day is detailed. From waking up– when Christian starts nagging Ana to eat — to bedtime when Christian gives her multiple orgasms and maybe has some night terrors — the reader gets to live every single minute with the terribly boring, unlikable couple. Every outfit Ana wears, every sexual encounter she seems not old enough to be having, in painstaking detail.

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E.L. James is big on repitition, almost every page has a mention of one of these things: Ana’s inner goddess, Ana’s subconcious, Ana’s eating habits, eye rolling or lip biting. Some special pages have multiple infractions! For me, Ana’s inner goddess and her constant gymnastic routines and dancing was the worst part. I’m really glad that instead of an inner goddess, I have an inner cumedgeon, and she just really hates everything.

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Despite Ana’s resolve to not be involved in an abusive relationship with a mean rich man any longer, Christian convinces her to give him another chance. And when one of Christian’s ex-submissive’s, who looks just like Ana, starts breaking into his apartment and stalking Ana; he convinces her to move in with him. Into his apartment that is SO BIG that in a month she still hasn’t seen all of it.

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Mary tried to convince me that the addition of the stalker at least made book two kind of interesting, but sadly, this was not the case. Fifty Shades is Twilight fan fiction, but I would still like to see a talented writer take this exact story and write all three books in one like 300 page book. It might actually be worth a read then. And not a penance for all the bad decisions that I have made in my life.

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(you totally wish you were in on this complain text thread right? I’m so verbose when I’m vexed)

In case you actually want to read this book (because you hate yourself, or because your “friend” is making you), I will not spoil the ending. I will tell you that my dream of Ana and Christian being killed by the stalker doesn’t come true, and there’s third book. Which I assume Mary will cajole me into reading when the third movie comes out. But at least I’ll get a several year repreive! Unless E.L. James decides she hasn’t milked enough money from her least romantic love story of all time and publishes a sequel to Grey. Then I guess we’ll see you back here sooner!

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