The First Annual Shame-y Awards!

penis trophy

This was a year of some really great books. And also some really bad books (You know we don’t discriminate). We read a bajillion books and still have a bajillion more in our TBR piles. We fell off the map towards the end of the year, but we wanted to close out 2015 with some of our favorites, and some of our favorite things that made us cringe. With that, we give you our first annual Shame-y Awards!

Merry New Year!

merry new year

 

Best Bulge:

Cleone: I have to give my best bulge to Racing the Sun’s speedo bulge, which made speedos hot, for the first time in my life.

but it’s his damn speedo that has all my attention. The stereotype of the Italian Stallion is not lost on this man. He’s packing heat, and a lot of it, in those tight red bottoms.

Mary: This is a tough one for me, because there were so so so many this year. Can I pick two if they’re the same authors? I’d have to go with either Lola sketching Oliver in Dark Wild Night:

COCK. It’s all I can see. It’s there beneath his boxers, half-hard, obviously uncut, following the line of his hip. My God, it’s thick. And if Oliver is a grow’er, he could knock a woman’s teeth out when he fucks her.

Or boss-man Niall Stella, standing on the subway with a big ol’boner in Ruby’s face, in Beautiful Secret:

When a seat opened up on the train and he urged me to sit down, he stepped close enough that his belt buckle was only inches from my face. In front of me was the long expanse of his torso, slim shirt tucked neatly into his pants. And, lower, the clear downward line of his cock against his thigh, already half hard. Sweet Lord. I reached up, hooking a finger through his belt loop as he gazed down at me, wordless and rapt. When we rose from the station, he came up behind me as I stopped to get my bearings. His large hand curled around my hips and he pressed into me. I felt him. I mean, I felt him.

C: How could I forget the SUBWAY BULGE? That’s some quality bulge.

Best Cover:

C: No contest Overtime by Toni Aleo is the very best cover. I had never heard of Aleo before seeing the cover pop up in my Facebook feed, but I knew I had to read this book. And when we met Aleo at the Black and Gold Author’s event, we harassed her into giving us the cover model’s name (Tristan Cameron Harper). We stalk him on Instagram and now you should, too! FYI Overtime as a book is as hot as the cover promised.

M: Same. Just fucking look at this guy and tell me it isn’t worth the $3 or whatever we paid for it.

Overtime

TCH

Most Unintentionally Funny:

C: Nothing made me laugh harder this year than Bad Boy Daddy. Which is hands down the awful/hilarious/amazing must-read book of 2015. (Though Vincent and his KANSAS CITY MAFIA deserve a special runner up mention.)

I can tell when a woman needs to be fucked. I can pick up on that sexual tension the way a dog can smell fear. It’s an instinct. If there’s a woman nearby and she hasn’t been laid properly, I can smell it.

M: Bad Boy Daddy was really the funniest thing I’ve ever read. My runner up: Priest. They used sacred anointing oils as lube for anal and got cum on the altar cloth, which I still assert would be a fantastic name for a metal band.

Speaking of anal…

Most Transcendent Anal:

C: Cat, who’s my best bitch, and Maxim having tipsy anal in a shower. 90 golden boners to Kresley Cole!

He lifted me, sensuously lowering me farther. “You’re taking me so good, dushen’ka.” His praise was like it’s own caress.

I was bombarded by pressure, fullness, even by that sense of closeness he made me feel.

M: There was SO MUCH shower anal this year. I’m going to make a completely arbitrary guess and say that I think at least 50% of the anal we read this year took place in a shower. I’m going to have to go with A Forbidden Rumspringa though. Literally life changing anal for those poor Amish boys. In a barn, with saddle grease. Which is my pick for best #CreativeLube

C: Forbidden Rumspringa also wins for Best Book to Read Aloud By a Campfire in Bane & Batman voice! It’s having a really prestigious award season.

Least Sexy Anal: 

C: Bad Boy Daddy gets another golden boner!

I didn’t just want her to love me, I wanted her to fear me too. To respect me. I wanted her to worship me like an animal worships its master.

She cried out but she was powerless to stop me. I lowered her onto my erect spike and it slid up into her like a sword killing a warrior.

#NOPE

M: Agree.

Best Threesome:

C: The elevator threesome in Revelry, hands down (or up, I’m not the boss of where you put your hands) best threesome- possibly ever.

I could take one for the team- or two for the team- as the case may be.

M: I’mma let you finish but Corrupt had one of the best threesomes of all time. One of the best threesomes of all time!

We never got around to reviewing it, but Penelope Douglas’s Corrupt was fantastic, A++ with a bonus threesome that came outta nowhere.

C: That really was A-Mazing (only I knew it was coming because Mary told me– she just couldn’t hold it in!) You guys should 100% check out Corrupt.

M: Honorable mention: the bathroom threesome in Sated. The book was banana pants terrible, but there’s a bathroom threesome I find myself *ahem* returning to.

Best Sex in a Public Place:

C: We are really having trouble narrowing this one down, I’ve picked a top pair

The lingerie store dressing room sex in Beautiful Bastard. In a book filled to the brim with hot sex every where but in beds, this was my favorite.

I gripped her hair and forced her head back up, “No, I want you to look right there,” I growled in her ear, meeting her gaze in the mirror. “I want you to watch. And tomorrow when you’re sore, I want you to remember who did it to you.”

The filthy, in every definition and connotation of that word, park-house-bathroom sex in Heights of Desire. Oh Mara, you make us like things we shouldn’t like and #WhyAmISwooning

I look up at him  for guidance and he seems to be engaged in an unspoken exchange with the other man. Adrenaline rushes through my body. I look at his face with pleading eyes; I don’t understand what’s happening.

“Keep going,” Jaylee says, with no hint of compassion in his voice.

M: This is so hard. For me I have to say that just about all the sex in The Offer was fantastic and memorable, including the oral in an Ikea fake bathroom, but especially the open door car sex. That was my favorite.

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C: Its a good thing I never go to Ikea because I don’t think I could manage without blushing now. This is why KH is our girl. Also, the church yard sex in Racing the Sun…*eggplant emoji*

Best Stepbrother:

C: I feel like Arrogant Bastard was the perfect stepbrother romance, it didn’t try to be something it wasn’t and it had a great polygamy subplot!

She needs to get laid, just not by me. Not that I don’t want that. I’d fuck the hell out of that. But my cock does better buried in something it doesn’t give two shits about.

M: I can get down with that.

Best Incest:
C: Have you read Maldeamores yet? It’s everything you ever loved about a V.C. Andrews in a Real Book, and it blew our minds.
I feel awful for my desire. I think God must have left out something crucial when he made me. I remember learning in school that “disgust” is an emotion. Just like love, or fear, it’s not something you choose. maybe God left it out of me, or he forgot to put it in. I want Lucky to love me, and not in a brotherly way.
M: I can’t believe this is even a category we’re ranking. Mara White is a god. I’m pretty sure she could write a book that would make me reexamine my feelings on ISIS and be all, EVERYONE NEEDS LOVE!
Book That Ruined Us:
C: Can we dedicate this category to a series? Joanna Wylde’s Reapers & Bastards have thoroughly ruined us. We know in our feminist hearts that maybe we shouldn’t be so OK with these alphas. They’re criminals, they think of women as property and we love them.
“Settle down,” he murmured, cupping my cheeks with his palms. “You know I’m all about the thrust and repeat…”
M: This was the series that made me finally embrace the fact that I really only like books with loads of dirty parts because YOLO and who cares and #ILikeWhatILike #SorryNotSorry
Worst Euphemism:
M: Jasinda Wilder’s Alpha – Grool. It was awful then and is awful now. It has stood the test of time. Allow me to quote myself:

“His cock was tall and painfully hard, wet with my grool, bobbing as he moved.”

GROOL. (“Please sir, I want some more”) Grool wins the gold medal in the Gross Words For Bodily Fluids Olympics. Sorry Santorum, better luck next time.

Also C – didn’t you read something that referred to “her area?”

C: I did! And I can’t remember what it was, I feel like it was in an otherwise OK book. My brain blocked that for my own protection. I also despise when asses are referred to as rears or rumps. They’re not cuts of meat to go into crock pots, authors.

Most Rage-Inducing:
C: I’m never ever forgiving Colleen Hoover for November 9, it’s a miracle my kindle survived that one intact. (other thing that gives me rage? Mary’s refusal to charge her phone)
Nov 9 8
M: Perfection, R.L. Mathewson. He calls the heroine fat. Ruined the whole book for me.
C: And the hero steals the heroine’s chicken tenders! Unforgivable.
Most Tears: 
C: This was the year that Mary thought a perfect birthday gift would be to break my heart wide open with The Time Traveler’s Wife (also she gave me DVDs that I can not speak of here except to say the involve a 90’s VJ and some questionable activities that could result in rug burn). I literally can’t even think of the last 25% of this book without getting all choked up.
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M: TTTW is a fantastic ugly cry of a book. I can’t even think about parts of it without tearing up. I feel like my husband could die and I’d still be like, “Well, it’s not as sad as when Henry died.” But I read it years ago.
For 2015, I’m going to go with Mara White and K. Larson – Missed Connection, which Cleone hasn’t finished yet so SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW. We’ll post a review when it’s closer to release date (January 5, preorder that shit you guys), but I read it this year and it made me cry my fucking face off. I took this picture in the middle of the night to document what was possibly my ugliest cry of the year:
missed connection 2.jpg
C: I’m reading it now and thanks to that ^^^ I am terrified.
Best Banter: (besides us, our banter is on point)
C: My vote’s going to Jess and Duane in Truth or Beard, this hate to love you romance was funny and hot and an a plus perfect read.

“I hope you wander into a hornet’s nest and die of an acetylcholine overdose,” I spat.

“You say the prettiest things.”

Truth or Beard probably also wins the award for best book to buddy read while hungover with your bestie.

M: Yesssssss. This was a good one. We expect great things from Penny Reid this year when this series picks up again.

 

Runner up: Zach and Moira in Uncivilized.

“So what did you do today?”

“You mean after I found your sex toy?”

“Yes,” she growls. “After you found my sex toy.”

“Well, let’s see… I masturbated in your kitchen and climaxed all over your table.”

“You what?” she asks with her mouth hanging open.

I nod my head. “That happened after I found out what pornography was on the internet and watched a woman take it up her pussy and her ass while she sucked another guy’s cock down her throat.

Dumbest Heroine:

C: Oh Lola, we love you and Oliver, and we love Christina Lauren and their super hot books. But Lola was engaging in some of the worst DBB we have ever encountered. Don’t push your perfect uncut Aussie man away, bae.

M: This was a stellar book, but Lola had me screaming WHYYYYYY for a significant chunk of the second half.

Runner up: Rachel in Manwhore. You know why.

Dumbest Hero:

M: There were so many dumb boys this year. All the dudes hung up on exes, dead or living. All the dudes who cheated or cheated-ish.

But especially Lucky, who wouldn’t just fuck his cousin for fucks sake.

 

Best Bestie:

C: Jess from the Kresley Cole game maker books! Funny, slutty, and a girl we’d very much love to go drinking with. I’m hoping she gets a book of her own.

In a hushed voice, Jess said, “Natalie does not need to know this, but I might’ve accidentally given her mom the molly I was saving for tonight. You’re officially on Rebecca is Rolling duty.” she turned to the woman. “See, Becks? Doesn’t everything feel softer now?”

M: Definitely Jess.

“How the hell do you call Russia from Greece? It’s like trying to figure out rela-fucking-tivity. And still, I gave it several shots. Of Ouzo. Seriously, you have no idea how much your situation is affecting me. I’ve been stress-eating my way across Greece.”

I frowned. “You don’t stress-eat–”

“Cock, Natalie. I was stress-eating cock. There, you made me say it, happy now?”

 

Best Surprisingly Great Book: 

C: I knew I liked Alice Clayton OK, Nuts however knocked me right off my feet. Maybe it was the channeling of Alamanzo Wilder, or all the food talk, maybe it was the front porch sex. Whatever the magic formula, this book was a delightful little surprise from the book Gods.

“You wanted to help me shuck?”

“Lets be clear,” he murmured, nipping at me a bit. “I wanted to bend you over that barrel out back and shuck you until there was corn silk everywhere.”

M: Penelope Douglas, Corrupt. This one came out of nowhere for me. Her previous books are all in the “pretty good” range, but Corrupt was AMAZING. Reviewing it is one of my New Year’s resolutions.

Best Heroine: 

C: Sweet, awkward, epic-ally bad at crafting, funny Violet in Pucked is my favorite heroine of the year. She wears super hero underpants, and tries to make a cape for her man’s penis, how do I not pick her, choose her, love her?

pick me.gif

M: Cat Marin in The Master. She’s resourceful and full of attitude, and when she is essentially kidnapped and forced to be a sex slave, she doubles down and starts ordering lobster for every meal.

Mocking sneer in place, he said, “You’re supposed to tell me how I moved heaven and earth for you. You’re supposed to fawn over me, increasing your chances that I’ll book you again.”

…..

“Oh, baby boy, don’t you know statistics? Chances can’t be improved from one hundred percent.”

C: Cat also led us to one of my favorite text exchanges of all the times:

C: I’m reading a book where so much cum has been swallowed and I’m only at 42%

M: She’s basically surviving on cum and lobster

C: Yes. She’s doing OK!

PP: That diet’s gonna give her gout

 

Best Hero:

C: This is another really hard one! BUT I think I’m going to give it to Titus from Better When He’s Brave. The hottest #hotcop of all the times. Titus was all buttoned up self control. Tow the line and follow the law. But underneath that uniform he was a biting, growling, using his handcuffs sex beast. YAAASSSS

My carefully constructed life was liable to fall victim to the wreckage they would cause if they escaped. That’s why I crawled out of bed every single morning before dawn and went to work, leaving her sprawled on the other side of the bed, naked and marked up from my teeth and hands. Every night she let me have her without complaint and every day I woke thinking she deserved better than what I was giving her. Two weeks that felt like forever while I climbed all over her and let her sink deeper and deeper inside of me. Her pretty skin had angry red marks from my face rubbing all over her, and instead of wincing in regret that I had damaged something so beautiful, messed up such perfection, I wanted to beat my chest with pride and declare myself the winner of the world’s greatest prize.

M: Gahhhhh, I LOVED Titus. But I think I’m going to have to go with Javier, from Dirty Angels/Dirty Promises. He’s Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to know.** He does some truly abhorrent shit, but he loves Luisa so much you guys!

I bit her lip and tugged on it for a moment. “Now if your adrenaline is pumping like mine is and you’re done with gunplay for the day, I say I flip you over and fuck your brains out.”

“You can be so heartless,” she sneered against my lips, but she didn’t turn her back from me.

I sucked her lower lip into my mouth and felt her body respond underneath me. “My dear, you don’t need a heart too fuck. Just a big dick.” I thrust my erection against her stomach for emphasis and grinned.

Her eyes widened appreciatively.

She was a goner.

Book of the Year:

C: This is super hard and we should probably do a top five or something! We read tons of great smut this year, but for both instilling FEELS and making me all hot under the collar I will recommend The Play by Karina Halle a million times over.

But, of course, that’s not the only thing that happened last night.

Kayla.

That tiny sprite.

I kissed her.

I fought and I fought and I fought against it.

But there was nothing I could do.

She’s a riptide.

I’m just a man without oars.

M: I’ll second that. The Play had absolutely everything we want in a romance. It made us feel like we were falling in love – with Tom Hardy. It was funny, it had a heroine I could truly relate to, and the sex was off the charts hot. Plus there was nonchalant anal.

Second place goes to Beautiful Secret, the sexiest slow-burn book I’ve ever read, with a beta hero to boot.

And for a moment, I forgot that we were away from the privacy of our hotel or the safety of London. With my hand cupping her neck and her palms pressed flat to my chest, it was just Ruby and I as lovers, falling forward into this thing that had captured me so immediately.

I pulled back to catch my breath and slow my pulse, jerking back with the awareness of the press of bodies all around us at the crowded bar, the eyes on us attempting to not stare, the hint of a smartphone capturing a public flash of our passion. The bartender deposited my change on the bar with a smack that told me he’d been watching us, too. And Ruby couldn’t care less. She lifted her drink, raised her eyebrows cheekily at me, and took a long swallow.

“You kiss like it’s your goddamn job,” she said.

C: Fucking swoon, that book was the highest tension, hottest book. Lets reread it…for reasons.

 

Thank you for reading along with us! We can’t wait to see what smutty goodness we get to share in the new year. Here’s hoping for lots of creative anal, alpha stepbrothers, and lots of beta guys to make us longingly sigh.  Peace out to 2016!

 

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “The First Annual Shame-y Awards!

  1. Hi Cleone and Mary. I was wondering where were you both. Thanks for doing this great Annual Awards. I wish you a fantastic year, full of happiness.

    Like

  2. Pingback: Missed Connection, by K. Larson & Mara White | mybookshame

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