Horror Hottie Hump Day

With Halloween right around the corner, we’re feeling festive, and daydreaming about our favorite guys from classic horror movies. Here are the guys we would be a-ok with giving it up to, right before we were murdered.

Bruce Campbell- Ash, Evil Dead

You’ve been crushing on Ash forever. He’s classically handsome, but with a rye sense of humor and when he invites you to spend a weekend at a romantic cabin in the woods you jump at the chance. The bed in the cabin is squeaky, and it smells kind of terrible in there, but Ash is such a gentle lover. You adore his strong hands. You listen in rapt attention as he reads from this weird book in the cabin. You die.

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Johnny Depp- Glen, Nightmare on Elm Street

Glen was your high school boyfriend, you were pretty sure he was really in love with his braying neighbor, Nancy, but you stuck with him anyway. I mean he’d get over that silly crush soon right? He wears the best polo shirts, and you love to watch him walk away in his tight stonewashed jeans. He invites you over to help him stay awake :wink wink nudge nudge: the waterbed does most of the work for you. Even though you swear you feel a hand that can’t be his poking you at one point. You really think you and Glen are going to live happily ever after. You die.

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Timothy Olyphant- Mickey, Scream 2

You meet Mickey in your film class sophomore year, you love all the same old scary movies, and spend hours arguing about which is your favorite. Mickey is extremely passionate, and maybe a little mysterious. You once found a hoodie covered with what you were pretty sure was blood under his bed, but you really like him, I mean no guy is perfect right? Mickey starts getting a little rough in bed, you like it (really!), but when he wants to introduce knife play you think you need to draw the line. You die.

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Ryan Phillipe- Barry, I Know What You Did Last Summer

Barry is an asshole. He’s that guy who is always late and never apologizes. But he looks so good shirtless! You’re young and you’re shallow and you don’t care that he’s cheating on his girlfriend with you. You and Barry meet up late nights at his gym, its always deserted and you make the most of the hot water in the showers before it runs out. One night you keep hearing this eerie scraping noise against the door. Barry slams into you, and whispers “just ignore it baby, I’m so hot for you.” You die.

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Jared Padalecki- Clay, Friday the 13th (ReBoot) 

This is your third year as a camp counselor, but your first year at the newly opened Camp Crystal Lake. You heard all the stories about what happened there, but you don’t believe any of that nonsense. Clay started pursuing you as soon as you arrived at camp, you play hard to get, but only briefly. You are definitely in the market for a summer fling. You go skinny dipping the night before the campers are set to arrive, your legs tangle under the dark water, and you run your fingers through Clay’s hair which is silkier than yours. Afterwards you lie together on the dock, swim suits forgotten, you hear foot steps behind you. You die.

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Christian Bale- Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Patrick slips you his business card at a business happy hour one evening, it has the perfect font and is just the right shade of ecru. Patrick himself isn’t bad looking either. He invites you up to his apartment for drinks, puts on Huey Lewis and the News, and asks you whether you’ve heard this album before. He is really into Huey. Like really really. When you yawn his eyes get kind of supernaturally big and he starts taking his clothes off. You think “Yes! We are finally getting somewhere!” There is a lot of hair pulling and you’re starting to wonder if this guy isn’t a little too intense when he pulls out this weird plastic suit. You die.

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Joshua Jackson- Damon, Urban Legend

You met Damon in the hair dye aisle of CVS by campus late one night, he’s looking at bleach kits with a flashing question mark over his head and you find his befuddlement adorable. After you bleach his hair for him you engage in a frantic make-out session on his dorm room twin bed. You’re glad he has the top bunk, its more private, albeit slightly unsafe. When he goes missing, you seem to be the only one worried, you drive into the woods looking for his car. You die.

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