Hump Day: Silver Foxes

This week is dedicated to the men who are aging well. The ones who are still getting us going, even though they’re getting up there. #GreyHairDontCare

Idris Elba

You meet Idris at the office Christmas Party when you sneak away for a real drink at the hotel bar. He ignores all your clumsy attempts at flirting with the hint of a smile, but when you turn to leave he grabs your elbow and says “I thought you wanted to see my room.” In the morning you try to hand him your number, but he just kisses your neck, smacks your ass, and tells you room service is on him.

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Idris Elba is one of a slew of black British actors forced to go to the US to find success

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John Slattery

John picked you up at a Jazz bar, where your friend bartends. He bought you a martini (you never drink them), and you tried your best to sound like a grown up. John Slattery hates when you say ‘like,’ he’ll tell you that if he wanted to sleep with a Valley Girl he wouldn’t have been looking in The Village. You’re always jetting off for weekend getaways where you don’t leave the room until dinner time, and you pretend not to notice his little blue pills on the bathroom counter, because honestly, the sex is fantastic. Your parents act appalled, but you can tell your dad wants to like him.

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Timothy Olyphant

Timmy’s a townie who went to your high school, but he was a decade ahead of you. He owns the coffee shop in your hometown and you hooked up with him in the shop’s back room over the long Thanksgiving weekend. Tim bent you over a stack of bean sacks, and when he went where no one had gone before, he gave you a lesson on creative lubrication. Now you can’t order an extra shot of caramel syrup in your latte without smiling. You always make sure to pay him a visit when you’re in town, even though you suspect he has a girlfriend. He’s by far the filthiest guy you’ve ever hooked up with, and you’re afraid that if you knew, you wouldn’t actually stop.

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George Clooney

Your favorite cousin had her wedding at a vineyard in California and you flew out to stay for the week. Your first day there you’re standing in a wooden cask, crushing grapes with your bare feet and laughing hysterically, when you see George watching you. He doesn’t let you wash off before tumbling you into his bed and afterwards you admire the purple smears and foot prints. George remarks that it’s like someone painted a dance. He ensures that you miss most of the pre-wedding events by literally tying you to the bedposts. You may have asked him to do this. The two of you kiss goodbye right before the ceremony, you sign an NDA, and two weeks later you discover your student loans are paid off.

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Brad Pitt

You met Brad when he was going through his divorce. He was living in an apartment with an Ikea futon and his dish set had only four place settings. Brad’s personal hygiene was a little lacking, and the futon hurt your ass, but he was the best kisser you’d ever encountered. He kept your favorite cream soda in the fridge, until one night you there was none, and the fuck had an air of finality about it. He told you he didn’t want anything serious, but a few months after you broke up, you found out he was engaged to a single mom.

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Eric Dane

He was your boss at your first job out of college. He had a horrible reputation with the other girls in the office but you couldn’t help but find him charming. He noticed the tattoo at the base of your neck when you were pulling your hair up one day and asked you if you’d like to see his. By the time either of you remembered to lock the door to the file room, he was already shirtless with his head underneath your skirt.

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2 thoughts on “Hump Day: Silver Foxes

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