Hump Day: 90’s Hotties Part Two

Christian Slater

You meet Christian at the bar where you’re working to supplement your scholarship money. He comes in every night to get a little drunker than he should and he notices that you’re reading Nietzsche. Christian is very into Nietzsche and he offers you some private “philosophy lessons” at his apartment. You were expecting leather couches and handcuffs but he’s got a flowered davenport and everything smells like satsuma oranges. He’s gentle and respectful and tastes like scotch that you know costs $15 a glass.  After that night you never see him again.

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River Pheonix

You date River right after he breaks up with Martha Plimpton. He’s basically an exposed nerve ending, and you make him a million cups of tea and listen to him talk about his broken heart. River won’t kiss you if you’ve eaten a cheeseburger, so you tell him you’ve become a vegetarian and scarf down In ‘N’ Out while he’s on set. He likes to brush your hair when you’re just out of the shower, and makes you homemade granola from his mom’s recipe. Once he filmed you on his Super 8 while you were on top, he did the Camera One Camera Two skit from Wayne’s World, you still can’t watch that part without blushing.

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Ethan Embry

When people ask you who your favorite ex boyfriend is you always say Ethan. He is the sweetest boy you’ve ever met; he made you a mix tape every Monday — for your ‘weekaversary’ — and actually put music you knew and liked on there instead of just trying to prove how cool he was through obscure musical taste. Ethan was a ginger before gingers were having a moment, and you had to convince your friends that YES the carpet matching the drapes is very hot. You and Ethan have the most amicable break up in history when you decide you’re better off as friends and keep hanging out every Thursday night to watch Seinfeld together anyway.

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Scott Speedman

Confession: You thought Scott was going to be dumb when your friend Keri set you up on a blind date. He surprises you by being insightful, quick, and very very funny. By the time you finish dinner the two of you are exchanging looks that are making your knees feel melty, when Scott head gestures towards the restaurant supply closet you nod without a second thought. He slams into you so hard that your head meets the door with enough force to give you a concussion. You bite him in retaliation. He doesn’t mind a bit. Afterwards he buys you a root beer float and asks if you still respect him.

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Jakob Dylan

You meet Jakob when the Wallflowers are just starting out and it isn’t common knowledge who his dad is; Jake is pretty sensitive about any talk of nepotism. But he thinks its hilarious when you meet Bob and tell him that you had a band called Puberty Blues as a teen where you and your friend played kazoos and just sang off key. Dylan the younger is a good sport, he always pays for your dinner, and he uses condoms like its his religion. When One Headlight becomes a huge hit you catch him banging a model in a dressing room at the MTV Video Music Awards. You miss his cat more than him when things finally end.

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Luke Perry

You always felt like you had to diet when you were dating Luke, because he has what is basically an 18 inch waist and most of his body weight is from hair pomade. He doesn’t like to go out much because he literally gets mobbed and one time a girl ripped out a chunk of your hair, so mostly you stay in his bed. Luke likes to watch old Western movies and is better at oral than any man before or after; the sound of John Wayne’s voice just does things for you now. He’s always talking about how his film career is really going to blow up when he can stop being Dylan McKay and start doing serious work. You just nod and kiss his jaw and make cracks about how short Priestly is to lighten the mood.

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The London Twins

Jeremy and Jason like to share. You find this out on your third date with Jason when Jeremy shows up “unexpectedly” and Jason makes no objection at the literal ass grabbing that ensues. The boys can be exhausting, and kind of high maintenance, but its not like you weren’t secretly hoping this would happen when you started dating brother number one. They like to Eiffel Tower you, and when your mom comes to visit and raises an eyebrow and asks “Which one are you dating exactly?” it leads to the most awkward conversation of your life. You’re constantly flushed, sleepy, and loose limbed, its better for your complexion than that time you did yoga every day for a month.

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Matthew Fox

Dating Matthew Fox is like dating a puppy, he’s adorable, snugly, chews on everything, and isn’t fully housebroken yet. By your sixth date you just accept that he will never stop flirting with the waitress, he doesn’t mean anything by it, it’s just habit. Being his girlfriend slowly turns into being his assistant, you’re always having to find the latest copy of his script and remind him when he has interviews. He likes to give you piggybacks around the grocery store and thinks its adorable when you try to out-drink him. Matthew Fox has never picked up a dirty sock in his life, but is so charming you are incapable of caring.

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Scott Wolf

Scott is the closest thing to a frat boy you have ever dated. He would spend all of his time either fucking you or watching sports if he had his way. Sometimes he tries to do both at once, but you put a ban on Sports Center in the bedroom when you caught him watching it while you were giving him a blow job. You’re convinced you could hide quarters in Scott’s dimples and love to sleep in his old Dodgers jerseys. When you guys break up, you smuggle his favorite one out of the house along with your tampons and Bath and Body Work’s collection.

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