The 90’s: A Retro Hump Day

The dream of the 90’s is still alive, in our hearts. Here are the boys who made us swoon. The ones whose pictures we cut out of magazines and glued to our bedroom walls. Our teenage dream.

Gavin Rossdale

You meet Gavin working as a PA at MTV Spring Break, you rush up to him with towels and ask him if he got a shock out there in that rain. He notices you staring at his abs when he peels off his wet shirt (how could you not) and invites you back to his hotel. He paints your toenails black and asks you if you really think Nirvana was better than Bush. You go on tour with the band, but when No Doubt joins the lineup he sends you back to Indiana. At least the airline ticket is first class. You still get a post card simply signed G, every year on your birthday.

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Ethan Hawke

Ethan has never been on time to anything, you buy him a series of pocket watches at thrift stores, but it becomes a running joke how he never carries them. You make excuses for him to your friends, and secretly think you will eventually ‘fix him’. He takes pictures of you while you’re sleeping and writes love poems to you on the back of them. You start to worry when the smell of ashtrays at bars turn you on.

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Brad Pitt

Sometimes its hard knowing that you are definitely the least pretty person in your relationship, but he hates when you call him pretty. When you slip up and whisper pretty boy to him in bed one night he sulks and cuts off his long locks. You don’t dare tell him that only made him better looking. Brad swaps out all your romance novels for Gabriel Garcia Marquez and David Foster Wallace, and sometimes you have to remind him to shower. At your ten-year high school reunion all the mean girls are suddenly acting like you were best friends, Brad puts you up on the table in the biology lab and tells you he bets your Sally Jesse Raphael glasses looked hot. You never do find that pair of panties.

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Johnny Depp 

You meet Johnny right after his breakup with Winona, he’s trying to pretend that you aren’t a rebound, but you both know you really are. You feel self-conscious about your thighs, knowing that his ex was a waif, and he kisses your cellulite and tells you he loves how you’re Real. He’s always practicing flamenco songs on his guitar and falling asleep with lit cigarettes. You catch him in bed with Kate Moss and let him  pay the rent on your apartment for six months. He’s very generous, even if he is a bastard.

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Keanu Reeves

Keanu doesn’t talk much, when he isn’t surfing or tossing you into bed he’s usually staring wistfully out the window. When you ask him what he’s thinking about he says, “Life. It’s so big. How can we even begin to know it.” You nod and roll another joint for him, he always compliments your rolling skills. When he’s shooting Point Break he brings Swayze home for dinner and has him sign your VHS copy of Dirty Dancing. He never teases you about how starstruck you were.

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Leonardo DiCaprio

You’ve heard the rumors about Leo and his crew, how they refer to themselves as the Pussy Posse. You know that you’re just a hook up to him, but you don’t mind. He and his boys are like over grown puppies with too much money. They eat your lasagna and tell you that if Leo gets tired of you they’ll be happy to make you an honest woman. Leo tells you stories about Alan Thicke while you cuddle in bed. His jeans size is smaller than yours.

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Chris Cornell

You’re always surprised when Chris tells a joke, because you watch his shows from the wings of the stage and forget every night that he isn’t as broody as he pretends to be. He has a thing for sneaking you into men’s rooms when the tour bus stops anywhere, at first you think its gross but now the sight of a sturdy sink really does it for you. Chris is always rooting through your caboodle looking for your black eyeliner. He makes a better winged line than you do. When he cuts his hair you both cry a little.

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Lenny Kravitz 

You’ve never heard Lenny raise his voice, he brings you chai tea in bed and has 25 pillows that he sweeps onto the floor before throwing you on to the mattress. He only has one pair of leather pants though and you take great pleasure in being the one who gets to help lace them up. Lenny talks about his mom a lot and praises her for being a strong woman who taught him to be a gentleman. He kisses your forehead and tells you she would have loved you.

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Marky Mark

Mark does 1000 crunches a day, he likes you to hold his feet and count, and then he likes you to take a shower with him when he’s done. Even though you roll your eyes you secretly love when he calls it his second workout and pulls you in with your clothes on. You ask him to put a shirt on because your grandma is coming over, he just grins at you and says, Baby. Marky Mark ALWAYS calls you baby. He NEVER puts a shirt on.

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Skeet Ulrich 

Skeet requires a lot of compliments, he’s vain, but tries to be self-deprecating about it. He loves when you wear his hoodies and he hates when you bring up your ex, Johnny Depp. Skeet has the softest hair you’ve ever felt and you like to grab it in your fists when you’re in bed. Skeet doesn’t mind, he likes it rough. As long as you don’t leave marks, Skeet is always hoping he’ll have an audition the next day. Your mom doesn’t get what you see him.

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