Priest, by Sierra Simone

Priest

Grade: B-

Doing it at: 47%

Catnip: Man of the Cloth, Stripper With A Heart Of Gold, Forbidden Romance, Outercourse, Just The Tip, Creative Lube, #TeamAnal, #DISP

Shame Scale: All the shame. Ridiculously sexy erotica about a priest and a stripper, with every religious sexual metaphor you could possibly dream up.

What Do We Taste Like?: Sweeter than salvation and communion wine.

Fantasy Cast: James McAvoy, Sophia Bush

Book Description:

There are many rules a priest can’t break. A priest cannot marry. A priest cannot abandon his flock. A priest cannot forsake his God.

I’ve always been good at following rules.

Until she came. Then I learned new rules.

My name is Tyler Anselm Bell. I’m twenty-nine years old. Six months ago, I broke my vow of celibacy on the altar of my own church, and God help me, I would do it again. 

I am a priest and this is my confession.

This was actually my third foray into the world of priest romance. The first was The Thornbirds, when I was approximately 12, and it taught me everything I know about sex that I hadn’t already learned in Clan of the Cave Bear. The second was A Little Too Far, by Lisa Desrochers, and it was extremely disappointing because it was billed as the double trash whammy of a stepbrother/girl/priest love triangle, but there ended up not even being any priest sex. This book though? Had copious, gratuitous, ridiculous priest sex, plus the hottest game of Just The Tip I’ve ever read (and a sweet little romance to boot)

Father Bell is the priest in a rural town outside of St.Louis that reminded me of Tree Hill or Stars Hollow – a nice little community where people go to church and everyone knows everyone. He’s manning the confessional one morning, counting down till get out of there and do things that priest like to do on their afternoons off, like watch The Walking Dead and go jogging while listening to vintage Britney, when Poppy slips into the booth.

She confesses that she’s not Catholic and has never been to confession, but she has been doing Bad Things, and feels like maybe this would help. She doesn’t go into details, but implies that the Bad Things are sexual in nature, and Father Bell immediately gets a boner. He steps out of the booth at the end of her confession to explain penance to Poppy face to face, and he’s all:

mistake 2

Because Poppy is stacked, with big red harlot’s lips, and Father Bell feels tempted for the first time since he took his vows. Father Bell starts thinking about all the Bad Things he wants to do to Poppy, specifically involving his steeple and those big, red lips of hers. He wants to know her. He wants to know her real hard.

Poppy decides to give church a try, and Father Bell starts taking endless cold showers. He puts up a good fight, but eventually they fall into a torrid love affair beginning with outercourse on the church floor, and then moving on to getting biblical in every single way you could imagine. You guys? I enjoyed this book way too much.

This review has tons of quotes, but I’m leaving out most of the major plot points. If you’d like to remain virginal though, scroll down real fast from one sexy priest to the next.

hot Priest 1

Father Bell is everything you’d want in a sexy priest. He’s all, My Priest My Dom, with spanking, rough foreplay, and dirty talk – but then in the next breath he’s a model feminist, remembering all the women’s studies classes he took in college and talking about R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Plus, all of their fooling around is described with overwrought religious metaphors and euphemisms that are amazing, and he calls Poppy ‘my little lamb,’ which is equal parts hilarious and adorable. For example check out this bit (they’re coming):

We were simply male and female, as God had made us, Adam and Eve, in the most elemental and fundamental form. We were biology, we were creation incarnate.

And my favorite description of just the tip:

One and a half inches of damnation, and all I could think about was sinking deeper into hell.

Ok just a few more 🙂

Because the things I wanted to do to this woman – Leviticus had not even come close to covering all the ways I wanted to defile her.

Girl, I wanna do things to you that would make Leviticus blush. (Note, we don’t actually know what’s in Leviticus)

A miracle made flesh, waiting for my flesh to join with it.

……..

“Forgive me,” I muttered and then rammed myself home.

After a string of some really disappointing trash books that weren’t actually trashy, I hope I’m properly conveying how much fun I had reading this book.

Priest 9

Priest 10

(Cleone would like to do it in a church, so if anyone knows someone who might be up for that, have them email her, K? Thanks!)

Once Father Bell decides to break his vows, he really, truly, YOLO breaks them: confessional sex (it’s sort of like phone sex), spanking on the altar, screwing on the kitchen counter in the rectory, getting cum on the altar cloth (and wouldn’t ‘Cum on the Altar Cloth’ be the best name for a 90’s metal song?), and he even uses the sacred anointing oils as lube for anal. I can’t not include this passage you guys. It’s super NSFW, #sorrynotsorry

“It’s a sacramental oil. It’s used for baptisms and ordinations. It’s even used to anoint the walls of a church when it’s built.” I ran a hand down the smooth, firm slope of her back, feeling her sigh against my touch, and at that moment, sliding a finger inside.

She gasped.

“I’m anointing you now,” I informed her. “I’m sanctifying you from the inside out. You feel that? That’s my finger fucking you ass. And in just a minute, it will be my cock. It will be my cock consecrating you.”

Spoiler alert: He does indeed consecrate her bum with his holy cock.

And finally, there’s a prominently featured SWEATPANTS BONER. And if you follow us semi regularly, you’ll know that #DISP’s are kind of my thing.

Hot priest 2

If I’m being perfectly honest here, I’m not a religious person, not even a teeny tiny bit. I was raised Presbyterian, but at this point in my life I’m not buying into any sort of faith. So even though the major conflict in this book was Father Bell’s struggle with his calling to God vs his carnal desire for Poppy, I couldn’t really feel invested in it, because I can’t rationalize the whole idea of remaining abstinent for God. I was just sort of like, well what’s the problem here? You’re both adults, just get a job at a church that’s not so medieval. There were some deep religious undertones to this book and all the God stuff was treated very Seriously.

But the good news is, I can state with absolute certainty that you don’t need to give a fuck about the plot to love this book. I would definitely recommend this to anyone who enjoys a nice smutty romance, with a good sense of humor. I probably would not recommend this to your mother in law who enjoys Christian romances.

priest 12

Check it out, really, not kidding:

Amazon • iBooks

6 thoughts on “Priest, by Sierra Simone

  1. I so enjoy your reviews, they’re hilarious :-D. And they make me want to read even the trashiest books, when all I need to read is serious stuff and translation and Picture of Dorian Gray, cause my thesis deadline is coming closer and closer 🙂

    Like

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