These are the guys who make us feel like cougars; the boys born after 1990 who we could have babysat, but who still get us hot. For all of our 30 something mom friends, this one’s for you.
Play this song, turn up your speakers, and scroll down for the Hump Day:
You met him when you signed up at the new gym down the street, you were running really slow on the treadmill while he was lifting weights and maintaining eye contact with himself in the mirror. When he takes you home you discover he has a wall of mirrors in front of his bed too. You play with his hair and only listen to 65% of what he says.
You show up for your high school reunion and your old next door neighbor’s son is bartending. You’ve changed his diaper before. Your douchebag first boyfriend brought his stupid wife, so you ask Josh for a ride home. When you see his motorcycle, you can’t stop laughing. Not at him – at yourself, and the situation. He sneaks you into his parents house and his little league trophies are still on the dresser.
1989 – but he was in Harry Potter for crying out loud, so he counts, because he made Longbottom’ed a verb, to describe the process of turning from a chubby sweatered caterpillar to a sexy shirtless butterfly
You met in your Dubliner’s study group. He seems to really get James Joyce and he takes you on a Bloom’s Day adventure that ends in his apartment. You splash fully clothed into his lion-foot bathtub with the tulips he bought you. When you peel his shirt off, it makes you feel better that he doesn’t wax his chest. You emerge hours later and all your fingers are pruney and there are petals everywhere – you don’t mind in the slightest.
He has to eat millions of calories everyday to keep up with his training schedule and his fridge is always full of proteins and veggies and soy shakes that his personal assistant keeps stocked. He bought you calcium chews as a joke, because he likes to tease you about having brittle bones at the ripe old age of 33, but he also keeps Chunky Monkey in the freezer for you. When you whisper to him “no, keep the speedo on,” he doesn’t even laugh at you.
1987 – We know this one is a stretch, but he’s younger than my baby brother and who doesn’t remember him as a teen dream?
Zac would really prefer that you didn’t bring up High School Musical, but if you ask him really nicely, while wearing just the right facial expression, he will wear that red letter man’s jacket and nothing else. You don’t like to hang out at his apartment because his bro-y roommates have inflatable palm trees in the living room and can’t stop making jokes about your age.
The boys of One Direction, specifically Zayn Malik and Harry Styles
Harry & Zayn are like your cousin’s little friends who were always hanging around your favorite aunt’s house. They used to try to peek down your shirt and you spent a lot of time swatting them away like flies. But suddenly they’re hanging around your favorite bar, legally, and you’re making out with both of them in the parking lot after too many old-fashioneds. You text pics of them to your best friend and she sends you the high five emoji, followed by the baby bottle.
You go on a impulse vacation to Australia while your ex husband keeps the kids. You don’t know anyone but you decide to take that surfing lesson that the hotel is pushing because you always thought The Endless Summer was hot. Liam holds onto your hips to show you proper form and seems to like your muffin top way more than you would expect from a 25 year old. He remarks on the new bedding in the suite you’re staying in. This is not his first lonely older mom rodeo.