Kirk Cameron and the Crocoduck of Chaos Magick, by Mandy De Sandra

kirk crocoduck

Grade: D

Doing it at: 78%

Catnip: I don’t know what to write here, Is any of this anyone’s actual catnip? I fecking hope not.

Shame Scale: Red hot burning shame tinged with laughing until we cry a little.

Fantasy Cast:  Kirk Cameron, A Jesus statue made of cheeses, and a Crocoduck (of course)

What do we taste like?: Various cheeses

Book Description:

Kirk Cameron has set up his Pray The Gay Away Camp. He is hoping for it to be a hit Reality TV Show. While most boys are open to letting go of their homosexual ways, JJ a young gay man who practices Chaos Magick has other plans. When JJ finishes his spell and unleashes hot Cheese Jesus, a crockoduck, and Boner Stabone, Kirk Cameron will feel passion and some sexy Growing Pains. A 7,500 word novellete of hot gay orgy action, involving crockoducks, sexy holy cheese, Chaos Magick, oral sex, anal, clone 69ing, and Stigmata hand sex.

Cleone: This novelette was brought to our attention via tweet and we knew there was no way that we could avoid reading it, I mean look at that title, you guys. Plus its tiny, it took me under a half hour to read it and I was laughing the entire time. Paperback Purist bit the bullet and read it first, and then so did her husband. Mr. PP is a good sport.

Paperback Purist: After Mr. PP watched me near piss myself for half an hour while I read, he just silently held his hand out for the Kindle. It was difficult to wait while he read. My brain was still cracking up.

C: The premise for Kirk and the Crocoduck is a simple tale as old as time, boys parents don’t approve of his homosexuality, boys parents decide to send him to Kirk Cameron’s pray away the gay camp, boy decides to use chaos sex magic and bring a crocoduck to life to destroy Kirk Cameron with sex. If I’ve read this trope once I’ve read it a 1000 times.

PP:  Kirk is such a kind soul. He just wants to help.

He hated how so many young innocent men Satan seduced through butthole pleasures. The holy war was tricky and Lucifer was trying to win by going though the back end.

C: This whole insane premise is really Kirk Cameron’s fault anyway due to a quote RE evolution not being real. Does anyone else still get really sad that the cutest Seaver turned out to be a crazy? Does anyone else feel bad for Alan Thicke? Because his REAL son and his TV son both seem like real winners.

PP: Kirk Cameron also made Saving Christmas, which likely got the lowest score I’ve ever seen on Rotten Tomatoes, just to solidify his insanity a tad.

C: My desire to just transcribe this entire book is so strong because it is ludicrous in the greatest definition of the word. JJ, the practitioner of the Chaos Magick gets caught working his spell to bring the crocoduck to life, the spell ingredients include: an actual crocodile, pictures of Big Dick Ritchie (Joe M in Magic Mike, holla!) and Kirk Cameron, a duck, and some gay man juice splashed across the top to get the whole thing going. Sadly, JJ is caught by a cop while doing his best work:

“Good man too, that Kirk Cameron. Brought me to the Lord … holy hell … you got your sperm on Jesus and Mr. Cameron … you’re of the devil!”

PP: When he first arrives at camp, JJ is promptly muzzled, like a dog. Maybe so he stops attempting to cast spells on Kirk Cameron, or maybe to keep penises out of his mouth. Kirk calls it the Satan Silencer, which made me snort-laugh.

C: Once ensconsed in the pray away the gay camp, things start to look up for JJ because his spell totally starts working. Kirk starts seeing Jesus and his old friend Boner from Growing Pains talking to him from pictures in his dressing room. Please see pictures of Jesus and Boner, respectively:

jared jesus

boner

PP: Boner walks into the ‘Keep It Real, Say What You Feel Room’ and starts to divide into pieces in order to possess the bodies of those in the room, who then just transform into more Boners. I wish I was joking.

The Boners smiled at each other and began getting semi-erections. They looked at Kirk and said in unison, “Remember when we finished Episode 10 Dirt Bike. We made sundaes and watched each other touch each other. Let’s do that with Cheese and Jesus.”

Then they make out with each other. Work on that mental image.

C: When Jesus comes to life he’s made entirely of cheese, because apparently Kirk Cameron is really really into cheese and Jesus made flesh in Swiss cheese is his special fantasy. Jesus’s flowing locks are made of goat cheese. The author of this book is either criminally insane or an evil genius. I can’t decide which. I kind of want to be her best friend though for lines like this:

Boner looked and said, “You and me we had Sex Magick that one time Seaver.”

“So did I and Judas,” said Jesus and winked.

Jesus cheese smiled and said, “Take my body. It’s low in fat.”

Kirk was amazed at his deep throating ability. He once competed in a Christian Celebrity hot dog eating contest but lost to Stephen Baldwin — today was a different day.

C: TODAY WAS A DIFFERENT DAY.

PP: The big selling point of this story is easily the cheese stigmata scene. I learned that cheese has just the right texture when using it as a place to stick your dick. I’m a much better person now that I have this knowledge.

C: Look, I’m not trying to convince you that this is in any way good. But it IS entertaining, it has chimeras and people masturbating to Criss Angel and a giant crocoduck that will swallow Kirk Cameron whole with its anus. If you think this might make you laugh you probably owe it to yourself to read Kirk and the Crocoduck. #YOLO.

2 thoughts on “Kirk Cameron and the Crocoduck of Chaos Magick, by Mandy De Sandra

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