American Queen, by Sierra Simone

american-queen

Grade: B+

Doing it at: 38%

Catnip: MMF, Presidential Plowing, May-December Romance, Dom in Chief, Psychics, All the Angles of the Triangle, Powerful Men, Magical Realism, Arthurian Lore

Shame Scale: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Fantasy Cast:  Gigi Hadid, Tom Hiddleston, Lee Pace

Book Description:


It starts with a stolen kiss under an English sky, and it ends with a walk down the aisle. It starts with the President sending his best friend to woo me on his behalf, and it ends with my heart split in two. It starts with buried secrets and dangerous desires…and ends with the three of us bound together with a hateful love sharper than any barbed wire.

My name is Greer Galloway, and I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

This is the story of an American Queen.


Cleone: It’s here guys! Super Tuesday is finally here, and we survived the election campaign onslaught, and the circus that is our country. And our reward? Our reward is the banana-pants-super-filthy-delightful American Queen.

Mary: This was not only the M/M/F election themed book we needed, it was the one we deserved.

C: Mary read this one about two days ahead of me (I am slow, it is an eternal shame and sadness) and was essentially dying for me to catch up to her. I didn’t quite understand her urgency, but holy shit, everybody hie thee to the book buying emporium of your choice and get this book.

M: I was texting random people about this book just so I didn’t spoil it for her and it was SO HARD. Also, this was the first book I’ve gotten Cleone to read where the M’s are next to each other and not separated by an F. I maybe didn’t mention this at all in the hopes that I could trick her into reading it, because I’ve been trying to get her to read M/M for forever.

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This is the newest from Sierra Simone, who wrote one of my absolute favorite filthy books of 2015: Priest. Remember that one? The one where they got cum on the altar cloth and used sacred oils as anal lube? At this point she’s got me, I’ll literally buy anything she writes.

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Keepsake, by Sarina Bowen

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Grade: A

Doing it at: 50%

Catnip: Male Virgin, Farmer Boy, Strapping Men, Sexual Healing, Cults, Food Porn, Dual Narrative, Kidnapping, Pickup Truck Sex, PTSD, Seasonal Romance, Autumn, Beta Hero

Shame Scale: 0%, you can tell people what you’re reading and be like “it’s about developing nations, America’s farming crises, PTSD, religious cults, and apples”

What Does He Taste Like?: The cool night air, the outdoors, and a hint of sweat.

Fantasy Cast: Ryan Gosling, Rosario Dawson

Book Description:

Lark Wainright used to be fearless. Her life was a series of adventures, each one more exhilarating than the last. But her recent overseas adventure was one too many. Now she’s home and in one piece. Mostly. But her nights are filled with terror.

When her best friend offers her a stay at the orchard in exchange for help at the farmers’ markets, Lark jumps at the chance to spend fall in Vermont. But her nightmares don’t stop. Desperate to keep her fragile state a secret, she relies on the most soft-spoken resident of the Shipley Farm to soothe her when her dreams prove too much.

Zachariah is a survivor, too. It’s been four years since he was tossed aside by the polygamist cult where he grew up. He’s found a peaceful existence on the Shipley’s farm, picking apples and fixing machinery. But getting thrown away by your own people at nineteen leaves a mark on a guy. He doesn’t always know what to make of a world where movie quotes are the primary means of communication. Before hitchhiking to Vermont, he’d never watched TV or spoken on the phone.

Actually, there are a lot of things he’s never done.

Zach and Lark slowly grow to trust one another. One night they become even closer than they’d planned. But Lark may still be too broken to trust anyone. When she pushes Zach away, he will have to prove to himself that he’s good for much more than farm labor.

Cleone: Mary and I have some very specific catnips, that do not always overlap, so when we stumble on a book that hits so many sweet spots for both of us, we know things are going to be good.

Mary: There’s a virgin beta hero fresh out of a cult, strapping farmers, it’s Vermont in  Autumn, and they talk about pie all the time. If you asked me to describe the perfect October book, this one pretty much nails it.

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Mr. President, by Katy Evans

mr-president

Grade: A

Doing it at:  50%

Catnip: Powerful men, Politics, Secret Lovers, Nobody Needs to Know, Forbidden Romance, Office Romance, Dual Narrative

Shame Scale: Low shame, its the week before super Tuesday, its topical!

Fantasy Cast:  Justin Trudeau and Sophie Turner

Book Description:

He’s won the hearts of millions. But is he willing to lose his?

I met the president’s son when we were both young. Matthew Hamilton was handsome, polished, and intelligent. I’d never met a guy like him.

He promised me that he’d never run for president. I promised that if he did, I’d be by his side.

Three terms later, an invitation to join Matthew Hamilton’s campaign is the most exhilarating opportunity I’ve ever experienced. I’m determined to make a difference; he is determined to win.

Focused on his goal, Matt is steadfast, ruthless, and disarming. All eyes are on him and his popularity is surging. But soon, the next possible president of the United States is possessing me in more ways than one—and despite the risks, I’m helpless to resist.

We’re stealing touches, stealing moments, and stealing away at night. But our chemical connection is quickly becoming dangerously combustive, putting not only my heart, but Matt’s chance at the presidency on the line.

Winning will take everything. Walking away will be the hardest thing of all.


Can I be real a second, for just a millisecond? Its an election year here in the U.S., and its has been just awful. I LOVE voting, I love dissecting debates, and reading rhetoric; but this year it has all been a tough pill to swallow. Mr. President was exactly what I needed to make me feel warm and fuzzy about the road to the White House again. Thank you Katy Evans and thank you Mr. Hamilton. We love Katy Evans here (looking at you with all the licking Remy), and we had a strong inkling this book was going to be fire.

Mr. President is the story of Matthew Hamilton — son of a beloved former president, star of a million sexual fantasies, and bearer of my favorite surname — and Charlotte, a senator’s daughter who has had a crush on him since she was eleven. Matt grew up in the White House, he watched the toll the presidency took on his parent’s marriage, he watched how it consumed his father. He never wanted that for himself, he wanted to have a real life, outside of the unrelenting spotlight that comes with being in high level politics. History has its eyes on him, and he has never been thrilled about it.

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Honor, by Jay Crownover

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Grade: A

Doing it at: 49%

Catnip: He’s Basically a Criminal, Stripper with a Heart of Gold, Mafia, Tattoos, Strong Female Lead, Dual Narrative, Car Sex, Slow Burn, Sexual Healing, Regular Ol’Sex Club

Shame Scale: Low Shame, I’m pretty into the cover, and it really just takes way more to make us blush than it used to, we’re so jaded.

Fantasy Cast:  Zayn Malik-plus-ten-years (Don’t judge us) & Amber Heard

Book Description:

Don’t be fooled.

Don’t make excuses for me.

I am not a good man.

I’ve seen things no one should, done things no one should talk about. Honor and conscience have no place in my life. But I’ve fought and I’ve survived. I’ve had to.

The first time I saw her dancing on that seedy stage in that second rate club, I felt my heart pulse for the first time. Keelyn Foster was too young, too vibrant for this place, and I knew in an instant that I would make her mine. But first I had to climb my way to the top. I had to have something more to offer her.

I’m here now, money is no object and I have no equal. Except for her. She’s disappeared. But don’t worry, I will find her and claim her. She will be mine.

Like I said, don’t be fooled. I am not the devil in disguise… I’m the one standing front and center. 


Cleone: We are always pretty excited for a new Jay Crownover book, we have read essentially every book she’s written, and I blame the Marked Men books for really ruining me completely for non-romance (thanks Jay!).

Mary: I recommend these books to everyone who’s interested in romance. They’re delightful and easy with just the right amount of drama, and the absolute hottest heroes around.

C: Her men are all alphas, with tattoos, and hearts of gold, and a lot of them have pierced dicks.

M: No joke, these books have me wondering if there’s any way I could tempt my mild mannered insurance broker husband to consider a dick piercing.  They’ve expanded my vocabulary of what a hot guy looks like, and my porn searches have been revolutionized.

C: If you have never read a Crownover book, we strongly urge you to take the plunge. Her series are standalone novels, within an interconnected universe. And here is where I say something that is going to make Mary really happy: You should probably read the other Point books before you start Honor.

M: Yes pretty please read these books in order? It’s so much better that way! You technically don’t have to, but I really can’t with that attitude. Don’t half ass it.

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Sordid, by Nikki Sloane

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Grade: B-

Doing it at: This is making me feel squicky, but we’ll go with 13%

Catnip: Light College Romance JK LOL, Banned books, Dark Romance, Serbian Mafia Car Salesmen, Serbian Pillowtalk, Just The Tip, Nonconsensual Sex, Choking, Bondage, #TeamAnal, We Like What We Like

Shame Scale: Every bit of shame you could possibly muster

Fantasy Cast:  Amy Jo Johnson circa Felicity, plus Ian Somerhalder

Book Description:

It took me years to find the courage to speak to Luka. He seemed exactly like me. Intelligent. Focused. Serious.

But he’s not the man I imagined.

His reality is cruel and dark. He traps me in his web, his power twisting tighter the more I struggle, until it’s hopeless. I can’t break free.

As he drags me unwillingly into his filthy world, I can’t ignore the terrifying idea circling my mind. What if I belong here with him?


Mary: There’s been some buzz about Nikki Sloane’s Sordid for awhile now, after Amazon banned it from their site for “offensive content.” So duh, we had to have it. Tell me I can’t have something and I’ll want it double.

Cleone: Plus we were like, how bad can it be really? We’ve read lots of twisted sex books in our romance rabbit hole.

Mary: We picked it up on Smashwords, but you can still buy it on iBooks and Kobo. And then we decided that it sounded like the perfect book to read during our Autumn camping trip to Shenandoah National Park with all our children and my mom.

Cleone: Nothing says wholesome family fun like buddy reading some BDSM amongst stunning fall foliage, as your children frolic nearby.

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Mad About the Marquess, Elizabeth Essex

mad about the marquess

Grade: A

Doing it at: 93%

Catnip: Kilts, Red Hot Banter, Deep Dark Secrets, Wed Before Bed, Hate to Love You, Lords and Ladies, CoHo Exception, Dual Narrative, Strong Female Lead

Shame Scale: Very low, this one is pretty friendly for reading in Dr’s offices, kindergarten classrooms (well, not aloud), and public transport vehicles

Fantasy Cast:  This mystery ginger, Camilla Luddington

Book Description:

WHEN A LADY TAKES TO THE ROAD TO PLAY ROBIN HOOD

Lady Quince Winthrop has been robbing from society’s rich and giving to Edinburgh’s poor for years. But everything changes the day she can’t resist the temptation to steal from the Marquess of Cairn.

SHE MUST BE ON HER GUARD AGAINST HER SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM

Alasdair, Marquess of Cairn, has come back to Scotland to stop a thief, never thinking that the lass he’s trying to woo is about to give a lesson in larceny he won’t be able to forget. From the twisted streets of Auld Reeky, to the hills of the highlands, Quince leads Alasdair on a merry chase, and finds the one man she shouldn’t fall for, is the one man she can’t resist.

LOVE IS EVEN HARDER TO RESIST THAN TEMPTATION.


I spent most of this spring in a very serious reading slump, maybe the worst slump of my whole reading life (approaching the 30 year mark), and I was starting to think I would never ever break out of it. I wasn’t reading, so I wasn’t blogging, and Mary was getting real tired of my shit. LUCKILY I have since recovered, and been blessed with a streak of exemplary reads. Including Mad About the Marquess, one of the most charming historicals I’ve ever read.

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Bang Gang, by Jade West

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Grade: B

Doing it at:  14%

Catnip: Second Chance Romance; Just a Gigolo; Light Orgies; Bad Boys; Baby Mama Drama; M/F/M/M/M/M, Tent Sex, Small Town Romance, But It Was 99 Cents…

Shame Scale: I mean its a book called Bang Gang, you probably don’t want to read this one in paperback form basically anywhere.

Fantasy Cast:  All the boys from Magic Mike II & Rose Leslie

What do we taste like: Beer and blood

Book Description:

It’s one thing knowing your ex-boyfriend is a bit of a player, but it’s another thing altogether to find out he’s offering his services to anyone who’ll pay good money for them.

Not just himself, either. That would be far too regular for Darren Trent.

Darren Trent – my teenage sweetheart and father to my two young girls – is not just putting himself up for sale.. Oh no. Darren Trent offers his escort services alongside four of his mechanic friends – all of them at the same time.

Five hot, sweaty mechanics at your service.

They call themselves the Bang Gang… you can imagine.

In a village our size I should keep my head down and hope the scandal blows over before the girls or my poor old Nanna catch wind of it.

Only it’s not blowing over. Far from it. It seems every woman in the village wants themselves some mechanic action.

They make no qualms about it, either. Just rock on up to my café counter and ask how they can book themselves in for a Bang Gang special. Like I would know.

I definitely wouldn’t know. I hardly even know Darren Trent anymore. We split up a lifetime ago.

I definitely don’t think about him late at night. Don’t think about five mechanics and me as much as every other woman in this village.

And even if I did, I wouldn’t act on it. I wouldn’t draw the money from my savings account and have a go for myself.

And even if I did that, I definitely, definitely wouldn’t fall for him. Not again. Not after everything we went through. Not after splitting up the first time nearly brought me to my knees.

Not after settling into a decent routine, the girls and me, with no drama, no heartbreak, no crazy passions to rock the calm little boat we’re sailing on.

I mean, who would be stupid enough to risk all that over a hot, sweaty, oily bit of rough like Darren Trent?


Just look at that synopsis! A book about a single mom and a five-some of mechanics who perform gang bangs for pocket money? There was literally no way I could resist this one; it hit catnip I didn’t even know I had. I couldn’t even look at the title without giggling, and it made me really happy to explain to everyone what I was reading. Come on, BANG GANG. Genius.

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